Random updates

Ok, so it's been a while. A long while, and I know it. I'm a bad blogger. What can I say?
This holiday season was crazy. In between our classes, orientation, and licensing meetings, I just never quite got in the Christmas spirit. I tried. Oh did I try. It just never happened. We never even put up a tree. And now, it's almost New Years. Am I excited? No. Another year down the toilet. And this year was a crappy year. I mean seriously, the worst year yet. Yes, it could have been worse, and thankfully it wasn't, but it still sucked royally.
I'm still struggling with the loss, especially with the holidays. Which didn't help my lack of Christmas spirit. It sucks sitting around the table at Thanksgiving and knowing that had your body not betrayed you, you would be beautifully huge and pregnant, and miserable, and enjoying every minute. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was full of bad thoughts, and down times. Hell, it's been rough, and thankfully I have had our adoption classes to remind me that we are on the path to parenthood.
Then came Christmas. I would have been 36 weeks. Thats great to realize on Christmas day huh? That you would have been ready to give birth at any time. Then to get to my parents house, and God bless them, they are so excited to be Grandparents soon. So, the baby got gifts. And while they were for the baby we will be adopting sometime in the next year or so, all I could think of was the gifts were for the WRONG baby. They should have been for my baby due in January. It was rough. My mom still doesn't know how tramatic that was for me. I just can't tell her. I will tell her though not to get any more until February at least. Just let me pass that due date. God give me the strength to get that far. I'm so scared of the next month. I'm dreading getting closer, and knowing that my beautiful baby would have been born soon. It sucks. I'm just struggling with this. I don't want that day to come. The due date. I don't know how January 18th can come without pure dispair. I'm so scared. Thankfully I have great family and friends that are here for me no matter what. And girlfriends that are taking me to the spa on the 19th to let me just be pampered. I hope it helps.

On the adoption front. We only have 2 more days of classes to get through. Then the homestudy. We are almost done with our paperwork. The huge stack they make you fill out. It's overwhelming, but we can do it. The best way to describe this process is that it's like being in a maze, and you have to get to the center to get your baby. You start out at the edge, and someone is holding your hand and guiding you thorough, but every once in a while, you lose the grip, and you have to run to catch up. You don't know the way, so you can't let them out of your sight. It's exhausting, and a lot of work, and a lot of twists and turns, but you know the reward at the end is so worth the journey to get there. Hopefully our maze will be short.
We've also decided to be licensed for 2 kiddos. This way, we can take twins, siblings if we are brave enough, or 2 unrelated infants if they let us. This process has been interesting, and there are so many restrictions we don't know if we want to do this twice, so getting two to start will make it so we don't have to do this again. We want more than one child, so hopefully this journey will either get easier, or we get 2 and don't have to do it again. We'll see.

Oh, and I bought black eyed peas to eat on New Years. They are supposed to bring luck for the year to come. We can use all the help we can get.

Update

We are officially on our way to becoming parents!
Yesterday we had our Taking Care of Business Day. We got our parenting application, adoption application, foster home application, criminal history, live scan (fingerprinting), TB test, and schedule of classes done!
This week we start our classes, which we will finish Feb 2. We have 8 classes!
Next month, we have our licensing training. They go over everything we need to have done to our home to be licensed. Then the will come out and do our home study to make sure our home is safe enough for the baby.
We still have our health form, this odd questionaire (the questions are so bizarre!), and our autobiography to complete. We have 90 days to complete those forms.
Once we have everything complete, we will be "paper pregnant" and all we will have left to do is wait!
Yay for us, I'm so excited!
And, the 16th is our 5 year anniversary. This is a great month!

Update

Hey all, I know I've been MIA for a while.
I'm doing much better. Feeling much better. Still healing, both mentally and physically, but I can now walk down the baby isle without hesitation!
We've decided against IVF for now. It wasn't a pregnancy I wanted, it was THAT pregnancy. So, we have decided to adopt. We don't know how, which method, but we are adoption. We are looking at international through Guatemala, or private, or FostAdopt. Mostly, we just know we want a baby. We know we will be parents, now it's just a matter of getting this thing off the ground.
I'm feeling optimistic again. I missed this feeling.
Oh, and we aren't moving. Market sucks, and our contract expired, so we are fixing up this house and making it home...and I'm ok with that. We are near our families, which will be nice when the little one comes.
Oh, and I bought him/her bibs today. OMG....that is breaking my biggest rule. Can you tell how excited/optimistic I am? I bought freaking BIBS!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I leave on my trip. The one I talked about here. I'm all packed and ready to go...I can't wait!

LOVED IT!

I went and saw the new Har.ry Pot.ter movie today. I freaking loved it! They left out some important stuff, like always, but it was SO GOOD! I loved the character development...it's so fun to watch them grow! Loved the movie! Highly recommend to any Har.ry Pot.ter fan!!!

To sum it up

Update

Still don't know what we are going to do on the IVF option. My parent's are now paying half, and the ILs are paying the other half. We are truly blessed with a wonderful family.

Jodi Needs

I saw this game on another site, and decided to play. You put "Yourname Needs" on a search engine site (Like google) and post the top 10 results. Here are mine.
Jodi Needs;
1) deliverance from lust, unforgiveness, and the mental attacks (umm, sure)
2) someone experienced to work with her (yeah, like an RE or social worker?)
3) to excuse herself from the table, and leave through the nearest exit (Amen)
4) a ticket to ride (to rider what??)
5) a therapist much more than she needs a coach (probably. Although I could use both)
6) some fun (you can say that again!)
7) Support (yes, but thankfully I have it)
8) Help again (I think I'm beyond help )
9) a dog (got one. Don't need another one!)
10) to understand that it isn't all or nothing. (very true. this is a hard one for me)

Mine didn't turn out as funny as Larisa's. Still pretty silly though! The funny part was when I typed this into google, 3 other blogs playing the same game came up! Go figure!

Hmmm

Well, we have a lot to think about now. I am recouperating...slowly but surely. I can't get around on my own yet, but I will soon. I improve daily.
I received more shocking news. My ILs offered to pay for us to do IVF. I'm shocked. Finding out I was pregnant...well, I wanted it more than I ever realized...but I knew we couldn't afford IVF, so I knew it was my one and only pregnancy. Now, we have to decide if we want to accept their offer. I'm still grieving my baby, so I'm not 100% ready to make this decision yet. It's just so much to think about.
I think I want to do it, but I'm not sure E is convenced. I'll update as we journey through this decision. He is perfectly happy with adopting. I am too, but now that we have this offer I don't think I want to pass it up.
Too many hormones still in my system. As you can tell, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle IVF...I think that is my biggest fear.
I just don't know what we will do...

And it still goes down hill...

Well, things went from bad to worse on Saturday. All day I had some cramping on my left side, but didn't think anything of it since the ectopic was on the right side. My bf brought over dinner, and we ate at about 6. At about 6:55 I went to the bathroom, and had some heavier spoting. At about 7 my back started really hurting, so I went back to the bathroom. On the walk from the couch to the bathroom the pain started spreading round my back to my hip. I got into the bathroom, and there was a ton of blood and huge clots (sorry TMI). The pain had radiated to my right abdomen...not a good sign. I paged my doctor. I was pale, shakey, sick to my stomach, and in a ton of pain. E called 911. My doctor called back and I told her E called 911. She said she would meet us at the hospital. The ff and paramedics were so nice. They told me I would be fine and got me hooked up to 2 ivs. I got 6cc morphine...I was very giddy off that! I talked a lot! Everyone said I was really funny! So, my dr met us in the ER, and I was then prepped for surgery. It was 7:45 when they wheeled me in for surgery. I woke up in recovery at midnight. They had to do a full incision (similiar to a c-section, but a little wider) to remove my right tube.I was hemmoraging and my tube was nearly burst. I was in a bad situation, it's a really good thing E called 911.
The first day after the surgery I was on a full liquid diet, and I had a morphine drip that I could press the button whenever I had pain. It was very nice, I was very comfortable. Monday, they took the morphine away. My pain was a little harder to manage with just vicodin and motrin, but I was doing ok. Then AF came. Can't I get a break?!
I came home Tuesday, and just rested. I'm now on 6 weeks of disability. I can't drive for 2 weeks, and E took 1 week of vacation to stay home with me.
I will never get pregnant again. My right tube was the only viable tube, and now it is gone. I'm ok though. I will adopt a baby that needs us way more than we needed this baby. I will miss experiencing being pregnant, but even if I had kept the tube, the chances of the same thing happening on my next pregnancy was 60%. I feel relief that I will never have to experience this kind of pain again. I am happy I got to experience what morning sickness, breast tenderness, and pg tiredness is like. I had all that. I'm ok with not having that again. Now, I just want to be a mom.

Shocking

I went to the dr on Wednesday. We discussed the spotting, and she decided to run some testing. One of which was a pregnancy test. It was positive. Can you say shocked? I called my hubby...he was shocked. I couldn't believe it...I mean literally. I had to go to the store and buy a test of my own. Sure enough, it was positive. She ran some blood work, and put my on progesterone to try to stop the spotting. We tell our parents and my best friend. Everyone is so excited they start crying. I'm crying. It's amazing. I proved the doctors wrong. I am pregnant.
Then Thursday comes around. My doctor calls about my bloodwork. My numbers are crazy. My hsg is 13,568. My progesterone, however, is 4.4. It should be at least 11. Bad news. She decides to do an ultrasound. I get to the doctors office at 4. The baby is no where to be found. She looks and looks, finally, there it is! I see the heart beat, the little body and head. Beautiful, I cry. Then, she says she can't tell where it is. It's either ectopic or it's really low by my cervix. She calls radiology at the local hospital and orders an immediate u/s. At 7:30 they tell me my beautiful baby, with the beautiful heartbeat, is ectopic.
I'm then rushed to the er. Luckily my wonderful doctor meets me there. The hubby calls our families, and my parents come out to get my car (he met me there from his work). My parents are crying. We are all so devistated.
My heart is broken. Nearly 3 years and all hope lost and I end up pregnant. Only to lose the baby.
They gave me a shot of Methotrex.ate. I'm on disability for 2 weeks. Because it's a chemotherapy drug, my white blood cells are very low and I have a chance of getting a very bad infection. Also, because the baby is still alive and growing, I have to remain on bed rest until it dies and my body can start getting rid of it. Otherwise my tube could still burst and cause me to have to have surgery.
I'm so devistated. My heart was so filled with joy and love for this baby, especially after seeing the heartbeat. Now I just have to wait for it to die. This is so not fair.

I am...

A bad blogger, I know that. I don't update enough. I don't have anything to update though! No news. House is still on the market so we can't progress with the adoption process. No sold house, no move.
On the positive side, we have another showing today. We are the most shown house that our realtor has listed...so why hasn't it freaking sold!?! I try to tell myself to be patient, with this market it just takes longer...but I'm not a patient person, so it's very hard!
On another note, I have managed to really piss off AF. She came on May 13, left on the 18th, then returned on the 23rd in the form of heavy spotting with occasional blood. Couldn't she just leave me alone? I'm STILL SPOTTING. Not cool. I have to go to the dr on Wednesday to see what kind of crap my body is doing to me this time. Frustrating. Can't my body just cooperate? I mean, it can't give me a baby, so can't it just do everything else right? Wouldn't that be the nice thing to do? grrr.
I'm so excited. I'm going Here next month. I won the trip on Wheel 0f F0rtune in December, and the show aired in March. I also won $10000 cash, it was so freaking awesome! I didn't post about it on here because I didn't want some freak to find my blog and watch me on tv...sorry to those who would have liked to watch it, it just wasn't worth the risk to me. I hope you all understand!
Also, I'm a freaking Greys Ana.tomy adict. I can't stop watching it! I started watching it this year, and had to borrow my friends copy of seasons 1 and 2 so I would be completely caught up. Now its off for the summer and I'm going through withdrawls. Come back already! :)
Well, I better get back to cleaning. I need a spotless house for the showing today. I'd say I'll try to post more, but I'm not really good at keeping that promise. I'll do my best...hopefully I'll have time to post on Thursday to update from my doctors appointment.
Oh yeah, Hell's Kitchen starts on Monday! I love that show! WooHoo!

Well

She showed, yesterday. The day after I tested. As if to say, "How dare you second guess me, I'll come when it's convenient for me".

Hope

I hate her. I really do. Hope is a bitch. Let me explain.
Six weeks ago AF made her last visit. My longest cycle ever is 5 weeks...so, I am now officially one week longer than my longest cycle. 3 days short of 2 weeks past my usual cycle length.
At this point, the bitch has made her entrance. Could I be "that" infertile girl that beat the odds? Could the doctors have been wrong? Could I possibly be pregnant? All this is now going through my head. Has been for about 5 days.
Her voice gets louder and louder..."OF COURSE YOU COULD BE THAT GIRL. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE THIS LATE IF YOU WEREN'T PREGNANT".
So, I'm getting excited, and nervous. Do I test, or just continue to wait? So, of course, I test...
BFN.
Am I shocked, of course not. Am I disappointed? Of course. Can't I just get a break? Can't my body at least do this right so that bitch Hope would just stay away? Ugh...

Loser

Yes, that's me. Big fat loser.
Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't felt much like posting, to be honest.
The wedding came and went, it was beautiful, without a single hitch. And SIL was very grateful for everything I did, and told me many times. I was so wonderful. I was very happy.
We have also made a huge decision! We are moving to Colorado! It's a big change from sunny CA, but I can't wait! I'm ready to get away from this state! The people are rude (not everyone, so don't be offended, but a majority). I hate heat, so the weather sucks. Life is so fast paced, and I'm looking for a more laid back way of life. I can't wait. The house has been on the market 3 weeks, and we have a lady meeting with the loan officer tomorrow, then she will make an offer. That is really fast for the kind of market we are having right now. Keep your fingers crossed for us.
On the adoption front, we are going to wait until we get to CO to do anything. We can't get home approval until we have a home, so it will have to wait. We do have the names of 2 companies that do fost-adopt for very low cost ($250-$1000). We can afford that! So, since we are moving in late June/July we will start the process as soon as we get out there!

Hoping everything is going well for all of you in blog land!

Tagged

I have been tagged! Sandra at Waiting gave me my first tag! I'm supposed to write 6 things that are weird about me. So here it goes.
1) Like Sandra I'm a freak about my socks. They can't bunch around my toes. They can't be too tight or too loose. They can't stick to my feet. I can't feel the seem or I freak out. Socks are a big issue for me when I get ready in the morning!
2) I'm addicted to new cars. I've had 4 new cars in the last 6 years. I'm crazy. I finally have a car that I've had over a year and am not thinking of getting rid of!
3) I'm very shy. I get very nervous before any family gatherings, work parties, etc. It's weird because I was in a sorority in college, and was a social butterfly. When I was on Wheel of F0rtune, I panicked when I was thinking about talking about myself. Not a pretty thought...I did fine though, but it totally scared me!
4) I'm obsessed with recipes. I have about 20 cookbooks, a box of recipe cards, a magazine subscription, and a subscription to an online recipe trading page...and I only cook home made food about once a week!
5) I'm obsessed with moving. All I can think about it all the time, I worry about it all the time, I talk about it all the time. I want to move not only out of my house but out of the state. I've been talking about it for almost 4 years, and it has become a staple in my life. And, surprise, we're once again thinking about moving. I wonder if it will ever happen...
6) I'm an organized slob. My cupboards are totally messy, but I know where everything is. Certain things go on certain shelves, even if they aren't organized and neat. Everything in my kitchen has a specific place to go, and no one would know it but me!

I tag:
Ann at Taiwan Treasure
Larisa at Waiting Womb
Lissa at In Due Time
Amanda at Our Adventures
Kristi at Ramblings of Kristina Marie

Sorry

I'm so sorry! I've been so busy it isn't even funny!
So, a few updates.
1) Preggo teen faked the pregnancy then faked the miscarriage. She's unbelievable. She turns out the be a pathological lier. She lies all the time, it's very crazy. So bad I almost feel bad for her...almost.
2) The bridal showers are all planned and ready to go, thank god. I just have to make the scrapbook I'm giving her and I'll be all ready to go!
3) I'm applying for a new job. I have a friend whose job will have 3 openings soon, and as soon as they post the job, I'm applying. I'm tired of being treated like crap at work, so wish me luck, I'm going to need it.
4) No news on the adoption front. We are working on the application but want to make sure we have everything done correct before we turn it in. E and I are very excited to start on this new journey, but we don't want to rush the application and do anything wrong, so we are taking our time to do it right the first time.

On a personal front, I'm wishing everyone a very happy new years! I agree with Larisa when she said 2006 sucked...it did! I'm so happy that I have all the answers I need so I can move on to 2007 with a fresh plan and a fresh outlook. This year, I hope to be approved for adoption and on the waiting list, I hope to take a trip before we have our child, I hope to have a new job, and I hope that this year will bring more happiness than tears. I'm not making any resolutions, because I hardly ever keep them then I feel like a loser. This year I'm only making hopes.