Saturday, December 29, 2007

Random updates

Ok, so it's been a while. A long while, and I know it. I'm a bad blogger. What can I say?
This holiday season was crazy. In between our classes, orientation, and licensing meetings, I just never quite got in the Christmas spirit. I tried. Oh did I try. It just never happened. We never even put up a tree. And now, it's almost New Years. Am I excited? No. Another year down the toilet. And this year was a crappy year. I mean seriously, the worst year yet. Yes, it could have been worse, and thankfully it wasn't, but it still sucked royally.
I'm still struggling with the loss, especially with the holidays. Which didn't help my lack of Christmas spirit. It sucks sitting around the table at Thanksgiving and knowing that had your body not betrayed you, you would be beautifully huge and pregnant, and miserable, and enjoying every minute. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was full of bad thoughts, and down times. Hell, it's been rough, and thankfully I have had our adoption classes to remind me that we are on the path to parenthood.
Then came Christmas. I would have been 36 weeks. Thats great to realize on Christmas day huh? That you would have been ready to give birth at any time. Then to get to my parents house, and God bless them, they are so excited to be Grandparents soon. So, the baby got gifts. And while they were for the baby we will be adopting sometime in the next year or so, all I could think of was the gifts were for the WRONG baby. They should have been for my baby due in January. It was rough. My mom still doesn't know how tramatic that was for me. I just can't tell her. I will tell her though not to get any more until February at least. Just let me pass that due date. God give me the strength to get that far. I'm so scared of the next month. I'm dreading getting closer, and knowing that my beautiful baby would have been born soon. It sucks. I'm just struggling with this. I don't want that day to come. The due date. I don't know how January 18th can come without pure dispair. I'm so scared. Thankfully I have great family and friends that are here for me no matter what. And girlfriends that are taking me to the spa on the 19th to let me just be pampered. I hope it helps.

On the adoption front. We only have 2 more days of classes to get through. Then the homestudy. We are almost done with our paperwork. The huge stack they make you fill out. It's overwhelming, but we can do it. The best way to describe this process is that it's like being in a maze, and you have to get to the center to get your baby. You start out at the edge, and someone is holding your hand and guiding you thorough, but every once in a while, you lose the grip, and you have to run to catch up. You don't know the way, so you can't let them out of your sight. It's exhausting, and a lot of work, and a lot of twists and turns, but you know the reward at the end is so worth the journey to get there. Hopefully our maze will be short.
We've also decided to be licensed for 2 kiddos. This way, we can take twins, siblings if we are brave enough, or 2 unrelated infants if they let us. This process has been interesting, and there are so many restrictions we don't know if we want to do this twice, so getting two to start will make it so we don't have to do this again. We want more than one child, so hopefully this journey will either get easier, or we get 2 and don't have to do it again. We'll see.

Oh, and I bought black eyed peas to eat on New Years. They are supposed to bring luck for the year to come. We can use all the help we can get.