Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Ok, so I thought I was doing ok. I've had married friends tell me they are pg and I'm fine, I'm genuinely happy for them. Then, yesterday, one of my employees who is 18 and in high school, tells me she is pg. My first thought was what the hell? This isn't fair. She is totally excited, but I don't know if she has fully realized what she has coming to her. I broke down crying last night, and E comforted me.
I didn't expect this, especially when I've been ok when everyone else got pg. But this girl, it threw me for a loop. I've taken it hard. So, I had therapy last night...SHOE SHOPPING. :) It's funny, but I do feel better now. I'm just scared of seeing her again today. I'm scared of watching her tummy grow with life, while mine never will. God, grant me the strength to get through this.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


I'm almost 100% decided what we are going to do. We are going to adopt. Since I've made that decision, I've felt more at peace than I have felt in far as the baby stuff goes.
Then, I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks (yes, again). SIL moved her wedding up from June 16 to Feb 17!!! I'm the maid of honor, so I now have only 2 months to plan a bridal shower, plan a bachellorette party, get a bridesmaids dress, get SIL to register, and plan a baby shower (for another friend who is due the first of April). Holy crap. How the hell am I supposed to do all this, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas?
The reason she moved the wedding up is because my ILs are moving from CA to PA.
I don't know when I'll be able to get together with her to plan the shower, so I'm going to call her today and see if she will send me the guest list, and set a date. If she can do that, I can pick out the invites and send them out in time. We can hash out the theme and all those details later. Pray fr me. I just might go crazy before all this is done!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Wishy Washy

Thats me. Why? Because I can't decide anymore what to do.
Part of me really wants a biological child. Really wants to experience pregnancy. Really wants to see my husband when I look in my child's face.
Then there's the other part of me. The part that says $13,000 isn't chump change, and we don't have that kinda money available without a loan. The part that asks what kind of life will we be starting with our child when we won't be able to afford anything because we are paying off our IVF. The part that says there are many babies already out there, or getting ready to make their appearance, that are not loved, and have a very rough life. I know that I could give these children a great life in a very loving home. By the way, adoption is free through the county out here, so there would be no debt. In fact, they pay you $400+ a month when you adopt through the county out here.
Part of me knows that adoption is the best choice. Part of me knows that it would be irresponsible for us to pay $13,000 when there is no guarantee. Granted, if we had insurance to cover it, it would be a no brainer...but we dont.
So, how do I make the choice. How do I decide not to do IVF? How do I let go of my dreams of having a child with my husband? How do I get over never having a piece of him running around? I don't know. I don't know how to make this decision.
My heart is so torn right now. Any advice would be appreciated...