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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Wishy Washy

Thats me. Why? Because I can't decide anymore what to do.
Part of me really wants a biological child. Really wants to experience pregnancy. Really wants to see my husband when I look in my child's face.
Then there's the other part of me. The part that says $13,000 isn't chump change, and we don't have that kinda money available without a loan. The part that asks what kind of life will we be starting with our child when we won't be able to afford anything because we are paying off our IVF. The part that says there are many babies already out there, or getting ready to make their appearance, that are not loved, and have a very rough life. I know that I could give these children a great life in a very loving home. By the way, adoption is free through the county out here, so there would be no cost...no debt. In fact, they pay you $400+ a month when you adopt through the county out here.
Part of me knows that adoption is the best choice. Part of me knows that it would be irresponsible for us to pay $13,000 when there is no guarantee. Granted, if we had insurance to cover it, it would be a no brainer...but we dont.
So, how do I make the choice. How do I decide not to do IVF? How do I let go of my dreams of having a child with my husband? How do I get over never having a piece of him running around? I don't know. I don't know how to make this decision.
My heart is so torn right now. Any advice would be appreciated...

5 comments:

InDueTime said...

email me..you have my addy...love you

Ann said...

This is a decision that dh and I struggled with for a very LONNNNGGG time. We went back and forth to the point that it was a taboo subject. You just have to talk it out see where your heart is, what feels right for the two of you. It's not an easy decision, we were in the same boat as you almost a year ago. We were saving for IVF. We were close, but my heart just told me that it wasn't the right thing for us, right now. I broached the subject with dh and he was FURIOUS!!! Asking me why I was going back on the plan, why I didn't want to even try IVF. He left for work angry that night, and I was crying. I explained to him that it was more important for me to have a family with him than to risk it all to have a biological child. If we had tried IVF and it failed then I don't know when we would have gotten the money to try again or then adopt. When he got home that night he said he was sorry and that he too just wanted a family. We started the adoption soon after that. And honestly a lot of the stress on our marriage has been lifted(not that adoption isn't another kind of stress), but the whole infertility stress. And we felt at peace right away, telling us that it was the right decision. It doesn't mean that we don't mourn the fact that we won't have a little me or him running around, we have. I've asked him if he regrets that he'll never see me pregnant, he told me it really isn't regret...but yeah he's a little disappointed. But we will have our family and in the end that's what matters. you have to do what feels right inside for both of you. And you don't have to make this decision overnight. When we decided to adopt we had been struggling with infertility for 3 and a half years. It's not an easy choice, but it's yours and don't let anyone tell you that one choice is better than the other.

Karen said...

I completely agree that the choice is all yours and your husband's! I want to tell you this though. I love my daughter with my whole heart. I have longed for a child since I was younger than she is now (5 this week!). And I look at her and I see the fulfillment of all that longing. And it gets stronger every day if that's possible. I know that she would be child enough if I never have another. That's hard to say because I desperately want one but if she is the only child I ever raise, that's enough...more than enough, a blessing more huge than I could have ever asked for. BUT I long desperately to have a child of my own. I would adopt in a heartbeat but for us it would at this point be cheaper to try the old fashioned way if more heart breaking at the moment (no gaurantee of baby if I just fill out the paperwork, wait, and pay money). DH doesn't see himself loving a child not of his body the same as our daughter either so he wouldn't be as up for adoption. The point is, I get how much you want a baby of your own body because I do too. But I can also tell you that its possible to be totally satisfied with a baby from someone else's body...and I say that as someone who shares the raising of that baby with the woman whose body she does come from. I don't know if that helps at all but I wanted to try to give you some perspective from a different angle. Email me anytime...you can do it through BBC.

Sandra said...

We also struggled with this decision. Its super hard especially trying to figure out what is in your heart. Just realize that its not a decision you come to overnight. It takes alot of self analyzing from both of you. Pray if you need to. Cry if you need to. Sleep on it if you need to. I wish you luck and will keep you in my prayers that you guys make the decision that is best for your family.

Anonymous said...

I realize you are not financially able to try IVF right now, but at SOME point in your life you might have insurance that would cover it. I don't think you have to choose either/or. You could opt for adoption now because it's the right thing to do... and maybe some day provide that child with a sibling through IVF.