Setback

Ok, so I thought I was doing ok. I've had married friends tell me they are pg and I'm fine, I'm genuinely happy for them. Then, yesterday, one of my employees who is 18 and in high school, tells me she is pg. My first thought was what the hell? This isn't fair. She is totally excited, but I don't know if she has fully realized what she has coming to her. I broke down crying last night, and E comforted me.
I didn't expect this, especially when I've been ok when everyone else got pg. But this girl, it threw me for a loop. I've taken it hard. So, I had therapy last night...SHOE SHOPPING. :) It's funny, but I do feel better now. I'm just scared of seeing her again today. I'm scared of watching her tummy grow with life, while mine never will. God, grant me the strength to get through this.

Decision

I'm almost 100% decided what we are going to do. We are going to adopt. Since I've made that decision, I've felt more at peace than I have felt in months...as far as the baby stuff goes.
Then, I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks (yes, again). SIL moved her wedding up from June 16 to Feb 17!!! I'm the maid of honor, so I now have only 2 months to plan a bridal shower, plan a bachellorette party, get a bridesmaids dress, get SIL to register, and plan a baby shower (for another friend who is due the first of April). Holy crap. How the hell am I supposed to do all this, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas?
The reason she moved the wedding up is because my ILs are moving from CA to PA.
I don't know when I'll be able to get together with her to plan the shower, so I'm going to call her today and see if she will send me the guest list, and set a date. If she can do that, I can pick out the invites and send them out in time. We can hash out the theme and all those details later. Pray fr me. I just might go crazy before all this is done!

Wishy Washy

Thats me. Why? Because I can't decide anymore what to do.
Part of me really wants a biological child. Really wants to experience pregnancy. Really wants to see my husband when I look in my child's face.
Then there's the other part of me. The part that says $13,000 isn't chump change, and we don't have that kinda money available without a loan. The part that asks what kind of life will we be starting with our child when we won't be able to afford anything because we are paying off our IVF. The part that says there are many babies already out there, or getting ready to make their appearance, that are not loved, and have a very rough life. I know that I could give these children a great life in a very loving home. By the way, adoption is free through the county out here, so there would be no cost...no debt. In fact, they pay you $400+ a month when you adopt through the county out here.
Part of me knows that adoption is the best choice. Part of me knows that it would be irresponsible for us to pay $13,000 when there is no guarantee. Granted, if we had insurance to cover it, it would be a no brainer...but we dont.
So, how do I make the choice. How do I decide not to do IVF? How do I let go of my dreams of having a child with my husband? How do I get over never having a piece of him running around? I don't know. I don't know how to make this decision.
My heart is so torn right now. Any advice would be appreciated...

Ugh...

Well, yesterday sucked. We went to the funeral for a girl I grew up with. She died on the 10th of Leukemia. It sucks. She was just one of those people who always greeted you with a smile, and asked you how you are doing and really meant it. The service was really nice, and I was doing ok until the end. Her husband walked up to the casket, kissed his hand, touched her picture, and fell apart. The whole room fell apart after that. It was so sad.
I am happy she is in a better place and not suffering, but I am so very sad for her family. It is so hard to lose someone so young, she was only 27...Prayers for her family would be greatly appreciated. Her name is Stephanie.

Kick in the Face

That's what I would describe it when your fertility doctors office calls and says, "We no longer accept your insurance"!!! What the hell!?!?! Just when things were looking good, WHAM, a nice swift kick in the face.
apparently my insurance is no longer contracted in the state of California, so this doctors office will no longer accept it. They said they tried to call the insurance to work it out, but couldn't get ahold of the insurance company.
E contacted his HR department to find out what was going on, they said we need to call the "Care Coordinator" to work something out.
I have been an emotional wreck today. I'm sad, nervous, angry, hurt, scared, and I also feel lost. I don't know where to go next. Right now, I'm putting off calling the insurance company for a couple of days, seeing as I'm a complete emotional wreck.
My mom has a friend from her work that just get a BFP from IVF #1. She's going to get her doctor's name for me so that I can call them and see if they take our insurance. If they do, I'll just go there, then call our insurance to straighten everything out. Maybe it's a good idea to get a second opinion.
I just feel like things were finally taking off. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I can't see that light...I've just barely entered the tunnel.

News?

No news...I have my followup appointment with the RE on Nov 2. This is the appointment to discuss and schedule my surgery. I'm having a little bit of sadness about the surgery. If I have it, then I will never have my surprise "miracle" baby, but if I don't have it, I may never get my BFP from IVF, which is still a miracle. I know I will go through with it, it is our best chances of conceiving. It's just a little hard letting go, knowing that I will never get pg on my own. You would think I would be used to that by now...

Not Much...

Not much new going on. I told my mom finally about everything. The fact that we have been trying for 2 years, and that we are doing IVF in February. She is SO excited, which makes me very happy. I am very glad that I have her to turn to now. One cool thing is that her friend at work just got pg from IVF. So, my mom is going to ask her who her dr was and stuff. I'm just curious. I don't want to change drs, and there aren't many options out here, so I'm wondering if she didn't go to the same dr, or a different dr in the same clinic.
We leave on Friday for our girls trip to Laughlin. There is about 25 women that go, including my mom, grandma, cousin, and best friend. It is so fun, and I just can't wait to go! I need a vacation!
On the work front, work is ok. I'm not loving my job anymore...in fact, it pretty much stinks most of the time. But, the working conditions aren't bad, and my boss is nice. I just don't like what I am doing anymore. But when I am preparing for surgery and IVF, it isn't the best time for a career change. We decided that while I am on maternity leave I will look for a new job. By then we will have an idea of how much I will need to make so we can cover everything. I am hoping I can find a job closer to home so I don't have to drive in traffic everyday. We'll just have to wait and see!

Updates?

I know I have been a really bad blogger. I haven't posted in 2 weeks. Mainly because things have been pretty sucky around here.
Hopefully we will be moving onto our original plan of surgery first of January, then off to IVF. We still need to figure out how we are going to finance it. Hopefuly we will have that all figured out by November....hopefully.
I'm doing pretty good at remaining optimistic. I really do believe this will work. My only problem is I, for some reason I don't understand, am really hoping for twins. Probably because I'm pretty sure we won't be able to go through this again. I will be happy with one though. One baby of our own, one baby that I can look at and see my husband and myself, will make all of the pain, surgeries, and cost worth it.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream. It was a very short dream. First I was in my REs office, and he was getting ready to do an ultra sound. Then he said "There's your twins". After that we were telling our parents. It was so awesome. I know twins aren't easy, but you know what Cinderella says, "A dream is a wish your heart makes"...

And the optimism continues...

RE Appointment went well. I REALLY like him and his staff. They are all so very nice and positive!
I had a t/v u/s to start, and he told me my eggs look wonderful. I actually have one ready to be released, and it was perfect!
Too bad it will never reach my uterus. And I mean that very seriously. He looked at my HSG and surgery results. Both tubes are very infected, and the one that isn't blocked is abnormal. I need to have both removed, or I will never get pregnant. I realize something I always knew deep down...that I wll never get pregnant without help. He told me that the infected tubes have bad fluid in them that spills into the uterus and makes it a bad environment for embryos. Plus, he said the tubes are one of the main factors that causes my horrible cramping and the pain I have throughout the month, so almost all of that will go away.
So, in January I'm having another laparascopy to have both fallopian tubes removed. 6 weeks later we will move onto IVF.
Oh, and the dr said with the looks of my uterus, eggs, and ovaries, and with dh's beautiful sperm, we have a seventy yes, I said 70 percent chance of the IVF working the first time!!!!! Can you believe those odds? I don't think they can get much better than that!!!

So, a great doctor, and great results. GREAT day...

Again?

Well, Friday I went out to lunch to relax and start reading my new book. I was reading and eating, when I got to my fortune cookie. It said "You will obtain your goal if you maintain your goal". I got tears in my eyes, goosebumps, and the most amazing feeling ever. I truly believe that was a sign and everything is going to be ok.
On my way home friday, I found out that one of my oldest and greatest friends is 9 weeks pg with #1...and I couldn't be happier for her. This is the first time since all this infertility crap that I have felt geniuenly happy for someone. I am just thrilled. She is going to be a wonderful mommy, and I am just so happy for her and her hubby!
First RE appointment is tomorrow. I'll hope to post an update tomorrow or Wednesday...

Signs?

Ok, so yesterday was full of events that seemed like signs to me. I can't help it...these were just crazy...
1) A girl at worked said she had this "feeling" that I would be pg within the next 3 months. Ok, not really a sign, but good to hear :)
2) At lunch I was reading Redbook. This month there was a exerpt from a book about a girl that doesn't want kids, but ends up pg and is happy about it. Meanwhile her sister is struggling with infertility and isn't exactly happy. What kind of sign is this? I don't know, but I just find it odd that the day after I amke an RE appointment I find this in a magazine. Is my SIL going to get pg before me? Or does it mean that I just need to be happy for people, no matter the pain I feel?
3) I went to Barnes and Noble to get the book "When Nature's Not Enough". I find the book, and head to the cashier. When I get up there, with my book on not getting pregnant, there is a display with no less thank 15 books on being pg. A pregnancy journal, happiest baby on the block, baby names book, what to expect, your pg week by week...if you've heard of a pg book, it was there. And there were even more behind the counter! I felt like it was a sign. "You're buying this infertility sign now, but be patient, this is what you'll be buying next".

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm just looking for hope. Either way, I'm feeling pretty positive about my RE appointment on Tuesday. I believe these doctors will get me pg.

Jumped the Gun

Ok, so I spent a week in my new position at work. It's not nearly as bad as I expected. It's actually quite an important position, and I am enjoying it somewhat. I do not like training new people, but that doesn't happen every day, so I'll deal with it.
Also, it's not exactly the best time to make a career move. First, we just bought new bedroom furniture and new couches. Second, we want to remodel our kitchen. And third, we are starting this whole IVF process soon. I can't really start a new job and be the low man when I'll be needing time off to go to the drs and stuff.
So, I decided to stay. The plan is to stay until we have a baby (hopefully sooner rather than later), then find a new job while I am on maternity leave.
Today is my follow-up appointment from my surgery, and I'll get my referral to the RE at that time. She said there is a couple of months wait until there are appointments available. Thats fine. With SIL getting married next June, it's better to start this process in a few months. I'm the maid of honor, and I don't want to be 9 months pg at the wedding! I am hoping that I can get into the RE by November. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I hate my job!

So, here I sit, getting ready for work, crying. Have I forgot to mention how much I hate my job. Yep,that much. I hate it so much, I wish I could just quit. And why does it have to be so hard to find a new one? I sent out my resume to 4 different companies yesterday. The one I really want is literally 2 miles from my house...I could walk to work if I needed to. The problem is it probably won't pay enough, so that really depresses me. This is my dream job. Teaching preschool. I guess I am just hoping that I get offered the job and we can find a way to make it work...

Jesus wasn't conceived naturally.

Yesterday E and I were talking on our way home from shopping. He was telling me how he was talking to his grandma the day before, and told her about my surgery and what the diagnosis is. His grandma is very religious, and it made me nervous when I found out he told her we would be doing IVF. He told her it is hard because we have been struggling because we didn't know if it was biblical because it isn't natural conception. Her response? "Jesus wasn't conceived naturally, so I'm sure he approves". How sweet! I cried and cried when he told me. I now feel 100% ready to move onto IVF. I guess that was just what I needed.

Am I Psychic?

Ok, so let me share a little dream I had. I had this dream about 2 years ago, right before we started trying for a baby.
In my dream, we were undergoing infertility treatments...IVF...and I ended up pregnant. The weird thing was, the babies were quads, 2 boys, 2 girls. No, I don't want quads, but the fact was that we were doing IVF.
How did my subconsious know 2 years ago that this was where we would be. E just laughs, he said all my dreams come true...and said to not tell him if I ever have a dream where he dies!
So, was this dream a premonition, a sign, or God telling me to have faith, I will be a mom. I'm going to believe it is the last one.

Oh, how things change

Something I wasn't expecting to feel just days after the adoption orientation...and unbelievable desire to have my own child, and to experience pregnancy. I never expected to feel that. Neither did E. I think he even feels it more than I do. So, we decided that we will call the re and see if we can do the IUI, which, before yesterday, my doctor thought we would have a great chance at.
Then comes yesterday. I had my surgery (laparoscopy) due to my (mis)diagnosis in highschool of endometriosis. My dr thought she could clear it up and we would be able to get pg on our own or with IUI. So, yesterday I have the surgery, and got unbelievable disappointing news. I do not have endometriosis, what I have is a huge amount of scar tissue from a pelvic infection. When did I have this infection? No clue. I have no idea when this happened. The doctor said it could have been a number of things, I'll probably never know.
The result? My right ovary is fused to the abdominal wall, and could not be removed. My right tube is open and clear...but the chances of an egg making it in there is pretty slim. My left ovary is free, but is covered in scar tissue, and so is my left tube.There is a small opening, but again, chances of an egg making it in there is very slim.
Our best option is IVF. Something I never thought I would do, but is now all I can think about it. How are we going to pay for that though? I just don't know. My heart isn't in adoption, so I just don't know what to do now.
As for my surgery. I have three small incisions that hurt like hell. I'm also very crampy. I'm to remain immoble today and tomorrow, I can start moving around again on Saturday.
I'm just not feeling all that great. Pretty depressed. When I first thought about adoption, I thought I would end up being one of those girls that adopted and ended up pg within a few months. Now I know that's not possible. And my heart is breaking. I'm going to have to learn to accept that I won't just get pregnant. That sucks.
So, I will be making an appointment with a re this week. And see where this journey will take us next. Please pray for us. We need all the prayers we can get right now.

Now the Journey Begins

Well, we had the orientation meeting for adoption this past Wednesday. It left me feeling excited and nervous. Overall though, it was great. The process goes like this:
1) Fill out and return the preliminary application
2) Do a livescan and get a TB test
3) Have prelim application approved and be assigned to a social worker
4) Home visit where they check for child safety in and around your home.
5) 6 weeks of training
6) Approval for foster care
7) Home study
8) Approval for adoption

So, we have a lengthy process ahead of us. It is sad some of the statistics we found out. Since we are adopting through the county, many of the children are removed from their homes. Only 50% are reunited with their parents. That is so sad, because the county pays for the parents to go through rehab and job training. They pay for the parents to do the right thing and they still don't.
What is also sad is 99% of these children, and newborns, are born with drug addiction. A vast majority of that is methanphetimine. Almost all of the children have little effect from the drug, with the most common being ADHD/ADD.
What is crazy, something we weren't expecting, is that we will receive money from the state for adopting our child. And, our adoption fees are zero. There is no cost at all. We will receive from the state about $425 a year, and that goes up as the child gets older. That is not the reason we are adopting this child, but that is wonderful because it will help pay for childcare.

So, now we are finishing the application to return, and on August 12 we will go get our livescan, TB, and schedule our homestudy and training.

This is going to be a crazy year, I can already tell!

So great

Well, we are back from vacation. It was so beautiful, and so wonderful. Total relaxation is a good word to describe it. Fishing, hiking, horseback riding, and hanging out with those you love it what I call a good vacation!

I realized today that we are just 9 days from adoption orientation. Then the process is started! I'm so excited and nervous...I'm ready for it to be the 26th!

Also, I am only 2 weeks from my surgery. I'm a little nervous, but hoping that that will make my lovely periods more bearable. We'll see. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm a worryier, so if I think about it too much, I'll make myself sick!

I'm having some random thoughts/fears about adoption. Mainly I'm worried that my maternal instincts won't kick in and I won't know what to do. I worry that all that happens during pregnancy, and without that, I won't be ready for sleepless nights, knowing what the baby wants, being able to comfort the baby, etc. Am I totally irrational? Does a birth parent worry about all this?

Fun Weekend

This was a great weekend. Saturday I babysat my nephew all day, and yesterday I spent the day with him and his parents swimming. It was so fun! I am exhausted though. My nephew is 3, and he totally tired me out. I loved it though.
Saturday we leave for vacation. We are going camping for 8 days in the mountains. My parents, brother, E's grandpa, and my previously mentioned nephew and his parent's (my best friend and her hubby) will be there. We will be fishing, hiking, swimming, and going to a local ghost town. I can't wait...a whole week off. I'm not sure what I will do with myself! I'm sure I will figure it out...

Only 4 more days...yippee!

What's worse?

So, one of the girls from another board I visit miscarried today, and my heart is breaking for her.
I realized that, even though it was harding letting go fo the thought of ever getting pregnant, that is easier then getting pregnant and losing the child you love with all your heart.
I am counting my blessings that I won't ever have to experience such an extreme pain.

On a positive note. I got another shower invitation today. This one is a bridal shower though. It's going to be weird. Its for a girl that is marrying this guy I grew up with that is like my big brother. She is a couple years younger then me, and was always this big dork. She was even in my girl scout troup. It's just weird to see her and T together. Odd. I'm actually a little nervous about going to the shower, but one of my best friends is Ts sister, and my mom will be there. I just don't really know this girl all that well anymore. But, like I said, T is like my big brother. So I'll go.

I also picked out the gift I'm getting for the young pg cousin. I can't go to the shower because we are going out of town, but I really wanted to get her a gift. I'm sending her the bath tub she registered for. I figure, the more pratical the better!

Are you serious?

So yesterday I go to get the mail...and get a baby shower invitation from E's 20y/o cousin. So, I'm happy for her, but a little sad. I really want to give his grandma her first great grandchild. I'm also worried about his cousin. She is very young, and ran to the alter because she was pg. I hope everything works out for her.
That an my 45y/o cousin being pg just boggles my mind. I can't help but wonder why not me, but I know that God has a plan for us, and I just have to trust that.
On the plus side, we have officially made plans to go to the adoption orientation on July 26th. So, hopefully we will have our child in the next year! I am so excited to learn more about the process. We will be adopting through the county, and the children range from newborn to teenagers. They even have it like through private agency's where the birth mother picks you. Luckily, you don't have to pick an older child already in foster care. We want to do that eventually, but we want to start with a baby. Plus, private adoption can get pretty expensive, and through the county it is nearly free. The babies are usually drug babies, so they do require special attention and love...something I have been storing up for the last 21 months since we started trying for a baby.
Hopefully I am able to maintain my patience through this process.

Why I chose this title?
When life gets you down, don't give up, just keep swimming. I think that is very appropriate for me right now. Just keep swimming...

So, why did I start this blog? 21 months ago we started trying for a baby with no luck. Last fall, we started testing to find out why. Turns out, there are no problems with him, just me. I don't ovulate regularly, and the eggs aren't mature when I do release them. Seems minor, but after 5 months of clomid, no luck.
My doctor wants us to try IUI, but that's just not for me. I'm don't want to do more testing, and go to the dr constantly, just to concieve on a doctors table. It's just not for me. Nothing against anyone who does that...I admire your strength and determination. I don't have the strength to undergo all those doctors visits, and more disappointment.
So, we are moving on. We have decided to adopt. Starting a new journey. This blog is to keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings, and to keep track of what is happening in the adoption process.
Wish us luck!