And the optimism continues...

RE Appointment went well. I REALLY like him and his staff. They are all so very nice and positive!
I had a t/v u/s to start, and he told me my eggs look wonderful. I actually have one ready to be released, and it was perfect!
Too bad it will never reach my uterus. And I mean that very seriously. He looked at my HSG and surgery results. Both tubes are very infected, and the one that isn't blocked is abnormal. I need to have both removed, or I will never get pregnant. I realize something I always knew deep down...that I wll never get pregnant without help. He told me that the infected tubes have bad fluid in them that spills into the uterus and makes it a bad environment for embryos. Plus, he said the tubes are one of the main factors that causes my horrible cramping and the pain I have throughout the month, so almost all of that will go away.
So, in January I'm having another laparascopy to have both fallopian tubes removed. 6 weeks later we will move onto IVF.
Oh, and the dr said with the looks of my uterus, eggs, and ovaries, and with dh's beautiful sperm, we have a seventy yes, I said 70 percent chance of the IVF working the first time!!!!! Can you believe those odds? I don't think they can get much better than that!!!

So, a great doctor, and great results. GREAT day...

Again?

Well, Friday I went out to lunch to relax and start reading my new book. I was reading and eating, when I got to my fortune cookie. It said "You will obtain your goal if you maintain your goal". I got tears in my eyes, goosebumps, and the most amazing feeling ever. I truly believe that was a sign and everything is going to be ok.
On my way home friday, I found out that one of my oldest and greatest friends is 9 weeks pg with #1...and I couldn't be happier for her. This is the first time since all this infertility crap that I have felt geniuenly happy for someone. I am just thrilled. She is going to be a wonderful mommy, and I am just so happy for her and her hubby!
First RE appointment is tomorrow. I'll hope to post an update tomorrow or Wednesday...

Signs?

Ok, so yesterday was full of events that seemed like signs to me. I can't help it...these were just crazy...
1) A girl at worked said she had this "feeling" that I would be pg within the next 3 months. Ok, not really a sign, but good to hear :)
2) At lunch I was reading Redbook. This month there was a exerpt from a book about a girl that doesn't want kids, but ends up pg and is happy about it. Meanwhile her sister is struggling with infertility and isn't exactly happy. What kind of sign is this? I don't know, but I just find it odd that the day after I amke an RE appointment I find this in a magazine. Is my SIL going to get pg before me? Or does it mean that I just need to be happy for people, no matter the pain I feel?
3) I went to Barnes and Noble to get the book "When Nature's Not Enough". I find the book, and head to the cashier. When I get up there, with my book on not getting pregnant, there is a display with no less thank 15 books on being pg. A pregnancy journal, happiest baby on the block, baby names book, what to expect, your pg week by week...if you've heard of a pg book, it was there. And there were even more behind the counter! I felt like it was a sign. "You're buying this infertility sign now, but be patient, this is what you'll be buying next".

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm just looking for hope. Either way, I'm feeling pretty positive about my RE appointment on Tuesday. I believe these doctors will get me pg.

Jumped the Gun

Ok, so I spent a week in my new position at work. It's not nearly as bad as I expected. It's actually quite an important position, and I am enjoying it somewhat. I do not like training new people, but that doesn't happen every day, so I'll deal with it.
Also, it's not exactly the best time to make a career move. First, we just bought new bedroom furniture and new couches. Second, we want to remodel our kitchen. And third, we are starting this whole IVF process soon. I can't really start a new job and be the low man when I'll be needing time off to go to the drs and stuff.
So, I decided to stay. The plan is to stay until we have a baby (hopefully sooner rather than later), then find a new job while I am on maternity leave.
Today is my follow-up appointment from my surgery, and I'll get my referral to the RE at that time. She said there is a couple of months wait until there are appointments available. Thats fine. With SIL getting married next June, it's better to start this process in a few months. I'm the maid of honor, and I don't want to be 9 months pg at the wedding! I am hoping that I can get into the RE by November. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I hate my job!

So, here I sit, getting ready for work, crying. Have I forgot to mention how much I hate my job. Yep,that much. I hate it so much, I wish I could just quit. And why does it have to be so hard to find a new one? I sent out my resume to 4 different companies yesterday. The one I really want is literally 2 miles from my house...I could walk to work if I needed to. The problem is it probably won't pay enough, so that really depresses me. This is my dream job. Teaching preschool. I guess I am just hoping that I get offered the job and we can find a way to make it work...

Jesus wasn't conceived naturally.

Yesterday E and I were talking on our way home from shopping. He was telling me how he was talking to his grandma the day before, and told her about my surgery and what the diagnosis is. His grandma is very religious, and it made me nervous when I found out he told her we would be doing IVF. He told her it is hard because we have been struggling because we didn't know if it was biblical because it isn't natural conception. Her response? "Jesus wasn't conceived naturally, so I'm sure he approves". How sweet! I cried and cried when he told me. I now feel 100% ready to move onto IVF. I guess that was just what I needed.

Am I Psychic?

Ok, so let me share a little dream I had. I had this dream about 2 years ago, right before we started trying for a baby.
In my dream, we were undergoing infertility treatments...IVF...and I ended up pregnant. The weird thing was, the babies were quads, 2 boys, 2 girls. No, I don't want quads, but the fact was that we were doing IVF.
How did my subconsious know 2 years ago that this was where we would be. E just laughs, he said all my dreams come true...and said to not tell him if I ever have a dream where he dies!
So, was this dream a premonition, a sign, or God telling me to have faith, I will be a mom. I'm going to believe it is the last one.

Oh, how things change

Something I wasn't expecting to feel just days after the adoption orientation...and unbelievable desire to have my own child, and to experience pregnancy. I never expected to feel that. Neither did E. I think he even feels it more than I do. So, we decided that we will call the re and see if we can do the IUI, which, before yesterday, my doctor thought we would have a great chance at.
Then comes yesterday. I had my surgery (laparoscopy) due to my (mis)diagnosis in highschool of endometriosis. My dr thought she could clear it up and we would be able to get pg on our own or with IUI. So, yesterday I have the surgery, and got unbelievable disappointing news. I do not have endometriosis, what I have is a huge amount of scar tissue from a pelvic infection. When did I have this infection? No clue. I have no idea when this happened. The doctor said it could have been a number of things, I'll probably never know.
The result? My right ovary is fused to the abdominal wall, and could not be removed. My right tube is open and clear...but the chances of an egg making it in there is pretty slim. My left ovary is free, but is covered in scar tissue, and so is my left tube.There is a small opening, but again, chances of an egg making it in there is very slim.
Our best option is IVF. Something I never thought I would do, but is now all I can think about it. How are we going to pay for that though? I just don't know. My heart isn't in adoption, so I just don't know what to do now.
As for my surgery. I have three small incisions that hurt like hell. I'm also very crampy. I'm to remain immoble today and tomorrow, I can start moving around again on Saturday.
I'm just not feeling all that great. Pretty depressed. When I first thought about adoption, I thought I would end up being one of those girls that adopted and ended up pg within a few months. Now I know that's not possible. And my heart is breaking. I'm going to have to learn to accept that I won't just get pregnant. That sucks.
So, I will be making an appointment with a re this week. And see where this journey will take us next. Please pray for us. We need all the prayers we can get right now.