Just Keep Swimming

Done...for now

2010-07-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well...I'm done blogging for now. There's a lot going on, but nothing really to say. I dont't feel comfortable talking about it all because the princess's birth parents are out there, and I just worry about them stumbling upon this blog. Honestly, they scare me a little, so I just don't feel comfortable risking it by sharing too much info or pictures.
Our adoption is final, princess is 100% ours, legally and forever. They will NEVER get her back, but they still worry me, so I'm going to cut myself off from blogging for a while. If things settle down, I might come back. I might go private, I'm just not sure.
If you still want to read if I go private, please leave me a comment and let me know.

Because I wanna win!

2010-07-08T20:37:00.001-07:00

My sorority sister is having a give away on her blog, and I wanna win!!! It's a gift card to CSN...and well, I just love that store! Go check it out! But don't enter, because I WANNA WIN!
http://www.rantsravespersonalfaves.blogspot.com/

Bad, Bad Blogger!

2010-03-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. Things are going great, we have some stuff going on that I'm not at all ready to talk about. Nothing bad, actually, could be pretty great, but I'm just not ready to discuss it.
Baby girl is getting so big, climbing on everything, new words every day. I get so caught up in loving her that I just don't have the time to get on here!
Hope all is well in the blog world. I keep up with all your blogs even if I don't comment!

Blog Abandoned?

2010-01-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

For now...I/we have so much going on right now that I just haven't had the time or desire to update this blog. I think I might open up a new blog for our family...I'm just not sure yet.
Things are going great, we are a family of 3 and will stay that way, birth family skipped town so we will not be getting the new baby. We should finalize in the next 6 months-1year. Hopefully sooner than later but only time will tell.
I'm not working from home for my inlaws. I love my new job and I'm very very happy. Things honestly couldn't be going better. Maybe that's why I don't feel like blogging, I have nothing to complain about! Haha.
Hopefully I'll be back up to it soon...I don't know if anyone is even reading anymore...

Wow

2009-08-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ok...so being a mommy is very time consuming. I can't believe how much time has past since my last post. Not much has changed that I can talk about. There are some things with the new baby that may end up speeding up the finalization of our adoption of baby girl, but we won't know if the birth parents follow through for another couple of weeks.
I can't believe she's has been home for over 2 months now. Life has changed in so many wonderful and amazing ways. She'll be 1 in 6 weeks. We are going to have a huge party. She loves people, we had a big welcome home party for her and she loved it. We are so overjoyed by her.
As I was rocking her to sleep tonight, she reached up and put her hand on my face. In that moment I realize that there isn't one single thing I would change that led to this point in my life. Everything, the pain of infertility, the pregnancy loss, the saddness, the process of adopting...none of that would I change for anything in the world. All of that led us to our daughter. And she is the light of my life. She warms my heart and soul in ways I never knew a child could. She is worth all of that pain, and more. I would do anything to make her happy. Anything.
When she giggles, I giggle.
When she cries, my heartbreaks.
When she tries to walk, I hold my breath with nervous excitement.
Every step, growth, accomplishment, fills me with so much joy. I'm so proud of all the things she has done in the last 2 months.

I only hope we've made her as happy as she's made us.

Our Princess

2009-07-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

So, she is 9 months old today. She is standing on her own for short bursts of time, speed crawling, and walking with a walker. She's also progressed so fast since she's been in our home that it'll give you whiplash. She's started talking so much more, and mimicks like crazy. When we first got her home she barely made a peep, and was hardly pulling herself up on furniture. She's changing so fast.
So, we took her to the dr yesterday for a checkup and to get her caught up on her vaccinations. I cried longer than she did! It was horrible watching her hurt and not being able to make it better! Her 9 month stats:
23lbs (97th percentile)
32 inches (off the charts by 2 inches)
Healthy as a horse and right on track developmentally.

So, she's going to be a very tall girl. She's going to tower over her mama.

As for me, I'm enjoying every minute. It's been 2 weeks since we brought her home. It's amazing how easy it is to forget what life was like before. How quickly we've morphed into parents. I've never felt so fulfilled.
And this may not be the end. Birth parents are preggo again, and we've been asked if the new baby can be placed with us when it is born. She claims she's due in Feb, but she's already showing, so we're pretty sure she's lying about that too. We shall see.
God has a plan for us, and we'll just wait and see what that plan is. We're more than happy with just our princess...but if we have another we'll be thrilled too. Only time will tell...

Oh the joy

2009-06-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is full. My daughter is home. Things have been great, she sleeps 4-5 hour stretches at night, 2-3 hour long naps during the day. We are adjusting well.
I never knew being a mommy could be this wonderful. I'm overjoyed.

The Update of Updates

2009-06-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

We got the call!

Our social worker called me yesterday afternoon at work to tell me that we have, at last, been picked. Let me just tell you, I bawled like a baby when she called. We have a daughter. A daughter. I just can't get over it. It hasn't sunk in yet. We do not know everything about her. There are still at least 2 steps before she comes home. On the 22nd we will be presented with all her information (background, status with the birth parents, etc). After that, I think it will be about a week before she comes home. We'll get to meet her at one point before she comes home, but I do not know when that will be yet.

This is all the information I have:
She is 8 months old.
Her birth name is Nevaeh, which is heaven spelled backwards. We've decided to keep this name.

Thank you all for all your support through this journey. We still have a way to go before she is legally ours, but we are closer than we have been this far. We have been matched.

I'm still in a state of shock...disbelief. Like I'm going to wake up and this was all a cruel dream. I can't believe I'm going to have a daughter. I'm really going to be a mommy!

Mini-Update

2009-06-07T14:07:00.001-07:00

Not much going on here...seriously. We continue to wait. While I feel like we've been waiting forever, it's only been just over 6 months, which in the adoption world is NOT long at all. So, we keep waiting, praying, hoping.

Other than that, today marks the 2 year mark since we found out our baby was ectopic. And shockingly I'm doing ok. I still feel some of the emotions I felt then, but they are mild, managable. I'm really doing ok. And that surprises me. I was so devistated that I never thought I would be ok. I never thought this day would come and I wouldn't be overcome by saddness. Part of me feels guilty that I'm ok. Like I'm not honoring our baby's memory properly. The other part of me knows that it's ok to be ok. It's not bad, or mean, or heartless. It's life.

So, today, I'm ok.

Because I don't know what else to say

2009-04-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

So very sad. I've been so MIA from blogging lately. I last checked my blog roll 4/8. I came back to this. I'm so very sad for the whole family.
Rest in peace beautiful, sweet Maddie. You brought me smiles by the posts and stories your mom told. You will be missed.
http://remembermaddie.com/

Pay it Forward

2009-03-07T11:37:00.000-08:00

I got this idea from a one of my BFFS, so if she can do it so can I! and it sounds FUN!!
The first FIVE people to respond to this post will get something made by yours truly.
I get to choose what it is, and make it just for YOU!
However, this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:I make no guarantees that you will like what I make! (although I hope you do!)
What I create will be just for you.It will be done this year (before December 31, 2009).
You have no clue what it's going to be.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must re-post this on YOUR blog, MySpace or Facebook and make the same offer to the first 5 people who respond to you, thereby continuing the fun!
The first five people to leave a comment telling me they will be posting this on their blog, MySpace or Facebook will win a homemade treat by me!
Let the fun begin!
Be sure to post a picture of the item you've won once you get it!

Seriously?

2009-01-17T16:57:00.001-08:00

I swear. I can't catch a break.
Our doggie had to have surgery yesterday. He blew a ligment in his leg and had to have major surery to replace it. He'll be in one of thos collar things for 2 weeks until the stapels come out.

He'll be confined to his crate for 60 days while he heals. It's horrible. This morning he was trembling and shaking from the pain. Now he's heavily sedated and on lots of pain meds.

It's heartbreaking. He's so out of it, and in so much pain. He peed on the carpet about an hour ago because he wasn't steady enough to walk outside, then he just flopped over on the ground.

The surgery wasn't optional, he wouldn't walk on the leg, but it still breaks my heart.
Oh, and he still won't eat, so I have to shove his pills down his throat.

My mom said this all proves I'll make a wonderful mom because I'm doing whatever I can, even if it hurts me, to make him more comfortable and better. I hope she's right, because this is what comes natural. I don't have to think about it, I just do it.

I've cried off and on all day because he'll wince or whine. How am I going to watch my baby in major pain for 60 days?! Ugh

I got a blogger award!

2009-01-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

I got my first blogger award! The Lemonade Stand from the lovely Leann. Yay!

Isn't it cute?

So the rules are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs which show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
So, in no particular order:
Laurie
Ruby
Amanda
Holly
Heidi
In Due Time
According to Angela
The Waiting Womb
Life...It's nothing like the brochure
Ramblings of Kristibug

Have fun.

Oh, funny story about me.

A couple of weeks ago, E and I went to the gym afterwork. Walked for an hour on the treadmill. Had a good workout. The gym was PACKED.
I get home, and my tank top is on inside out. DOH! Tag out and all. Jeez.

I don't usually post jokes, but...

2009-01-07T17:37:00.001-08:00

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.

I just want to say..

2008-12-30T19:24:00.000-08:00

2008 can kiss my ass. A lot of bad stuff happened in 08. There's been a few good things, but what I remember the most is the bad. It's been YEARS since I have finished a year and remembered all the good things. The last year was probably 2003. The last year before ttc. The last year before a string of negative pregnancy tests and endless months of disappointments. The last year before. The last year I was naieve. The last year I believed everything would be easy.
2009 WILL be better. I have a lot of hopes for this year. 2009 will end on a great note. I will not have health issues in 2009. I will become a mommy. I will enjoy time with my friends and family. I will get leaner and healthier.
Oh, and I will be 30 this year. Yikes! I new decade, a new beginning. Yes, 2009 here I come.

This time of year...

2008-12-22T17:02:00.000-08:00

I've just got to give this off my chest. This time of year just sucks for us infertiles. I've been thinking a lot about the baby we lost. This would be his/her first Christmas. I asked my mom for no baby gifts for this reason...I'm still having a bit of a hard time with it. I feel the weight of my empty arms, and it sucks.
I'm praying and hoping this is the last year I have to go through this. My heart hurts, and I don't want this anymore. I want to joy back in my holidays...

Thankful

2008-11-27T08:55:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

This year, I have quite a few things to be thankful for.
1) My wonderful hubby. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would marry a man as wonderful as he is. When I was healing from my surgery, he cooked, cleaned, and took care of me, even when he looked so tired I thought he was done. Not too long ago he was sick, and he told me that he can't believe how strong I am, and he admires me for being so strong through all I've been through. I'm very thankful to have him.
2) I'm very thankful that we are finally on the adoption waiting list. We may still have a long wait ahead of us, but the point is we just have to wait. No more classes, no more meetings. Just waiting.
3) My friends. I seriously have the best friends a girl could ever hope for. Ruby and Laurie are my BFFs, and I am very thankful for them. I have met so many wonderful people in blog-land that I am thankful for too. I'm so grateful to have all the love and support of all my friends out there.
4) My family. I have a family that will drop everything at the drop of a hat to be here for me. I am a very lucky girl.
5) My health. And that I'm alive. I really believed when I was in the hospital that I was going to die. It is a horrible feeling. I hope that I never feel that again for at least 50 years! The thought of leaving my husband, family, and friends behind was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I am very thankful that I am still here and still healthy.

I've had a very rough year, but I'm very thankful for all the great things that have happened this year. I'm greatful that this year is almost over, and I'll be on to a bigger and better year next year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Twilight

2008-11-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie last night with the hubby. I was worried, I knew there were a few people that didn't like it much, and even though it got some great reviews, it also got some bad reviews too. And, Eric hadn't read the books, so I didn't know if the movie would make much sense.
So, we get to the theater 2 hours early, there's already a line. We get in line, and time actually psses pretty fast. It's pretty funny watching all the tween and teen girls so excited for a movie. It actually upped my excitement factor.
Once we were in the theatre and sitting down, and they dimmed the lights, the first round of squeals and cheers started. Then the credits start, and applause. The biggest chears, squeals, and applause where when we first saw Jacob, and when we first saw Edward. It was quite funny.
Let me just tell you. I'm one of those people who after 2 hours of a movie my butt starts to hurt and I'm ready for it to be over. That did not happen with this movie!
I loved every last minute of it and wasn't ready for it to end!!! It could have been 2 hours longer!
And when the movie was over. The theater ERUPTED in applause and cheers. I guess I wasn't the only one that enjoyed it. I've been in theaters before where they clapped at the end of a movie. I've never heard anything like this!!!

Things I loved the most:
1) Edward and Bella. Their enteractions. The way he acted when he first saw her. Then how they started to warm up to each other. My favorite lines from the book were spoken verbatium in the movie. "So the lion fell in love with the lamb." The discussion about his age. Most of the discussion about who he was. It was perfect!
2) The way they made him sparkle. I was worried that with the movie not having a huge budget, it would be glitter or something silly on his skin. It wasn't. It was beautiful. I loved it.
3) Alice. Alice has always been one of my favorite characters, and I just loved her in the movie. She was perfect, from her voice to her look to her personality. Loved her!
4) The kiss. Oh the kiss.
5) The fight between Edward and James. I realized when it was over that I was squeezing Erics arm! I've read the book twice, and it still got to me!
6) THE END!!!!! I loved the little way they tweaked it. This ending couldn't have happened in the book because the book wasn't from Bellas point of view and she would never have seen this. But it was AWESOME!!!!!

The only things I didn't really like:
1) Edward had hair on his chest. He's supposed to be smooth like marble. Not the end of the world, but I would have preferred it smooth.
2) They didn't explain Jaspers ability enough. One of my favorite parts in the book is when he can feel what Bella is feeling, and tells her "You are worth it". I wish that part would have been in there.

But seriously, if that is all I didn't like, you know how much I LOVED IT! I can't wait to see it again. I can't wait to buy it on DVD. AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL!!!!!!!! New Moon can't come fast enough!
And Eric liked it too! He even said he would watch it again. And he said he would have enjoyed it more if there weren't hundreds of squealing girls! LOL

So, what did you think if you saw it?

So much going on!

2008-11-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've been a bad blogger! I'd love a good descriptive post today, but no time. So, this is going to be bulleted and brief. Please forgive me.
1)Still obsessed with Twilight. I got 4 people at work obsessed with Twilight. I swear, it is crack in literary form.
2) I started Weight Watchers. I've just finished week 3, and I'm down 11.4. ROCK ON. I only have 40 left, but I can do this!
3) Today is our 6th anniversary. I never in a million years thought I would be married 6 years and not have any kiddos. This will be our last year childless. I am very hopeful because...
4) WE ARE FINALLY LICENSED!!!! Now, we just wait for the social worker to pick us for their kiddo. Keep your fingers crossed!

Hopefully you'll get a better post next time!

XOXO

TAGGED!

2008-10-27T17:53:00.001-07:00

Yay! My A-Phi sister Leann tagged me, so here it goes:

{10 yEaRs Ago I ....}
1. was starting my second year of college
2. spent WAY to much time at the Brandin Iron, Cowboy Boogie, Incahoots, and Midnight Rodeo.
3. had just gone through a really messy breakup
4. was trying to figure out who I was...and where the hell my life was going
5. was getting ready to move out for the first time...for a very short period of time

{5 ThInGs On ToDaY's tO-dO-LiSt}
1. Return stuff to Target
2. Buy som Nyquil (sniff/cough)
3. read and approve our homestudy (YAY)
4. Check the newest Twilight news blogs (Yes! OBSESSED)
5. watch football. HELLO...it's monday!

{5 tHiNgS i WoUlD dO iF i WeRe A MiLliOnAiRe}
1. Buy a bigger house and fill it with kids
2. quit my damn job!
3. go on lots of vacations
4. help friends and family
5. put some away for the kids college tuition

{5 pLaCeS I'vE LiVeD}
1. Yucaipa, CA
2. San Bernardino, CA
3. That's it folks....I've only lived in 2 cities!
4.
5.

{5 JoBs I'vE Had}
1. Video store clerk
2. Candy store
3. Sold crap at Circuit City
4. Hostess
5. Several positions at my current job...the motorcycle store

OK - I'm tagging... Laurie, Ruby, Amanda, Kristi, and Angela
Have fun!

Done

2008-10-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

I've finished the "Twilight" series. I just can't believe that's it. That's all there is. I'm craving more. I want to know more. I want to see what happens to the story in 5/10/20/200 years.
I honestly can't remember the last time I've had a book completely control my life like this has. I read 4 books in the last week, and can't wait to get them back so I can reread them. These books controlled my thoughts for the last week. I read every spare moment I had. I had dreams about the books. It's almost embarassing how much I am/was obsessed with these books.
The thing about it is this: Stephenie Meyer wrote these books so well that you almost believe that the characters are real. That they are really out there. That no matter how impossible it is, they are really living out there. She makes you connect to the characters, become attached to them. These books are just that great.

If you haven't read them yet, I highly recommend it. If you have, please tell me that I'm not crazy and you've felt this way to!!LOL

Ok, back to the authors website. Reading her interviews. It's actually interesting. I just can't let go yet :)

OMG...I cannot wait!!!!

2008-10-21T20:47:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry, Jodi is not available right now...

2008-10-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

She's been taken hostage by the Twilight saga. Seriously? I.CAN'T.FREAKING.STOP.
It's consumed the last 3 days of my life. I have read 1/2 the first book and all of the second book in the last 3 days. I'm on the 3rd book now. It's all consuming. It's all I can think of.
I EFFIN LOVE THESE BOOKS.

Ok, enough now. Back to reading.

Edited to add:
I did read the whole first book. The 1/2 I'm referring to is the second half! Ha!

Back to reading!

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

2008-10-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data.
H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

So...

2008-09-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, I'm back at work. They informed me on my first day back that I'm no longer a supervisor, so I'll be back to hourly instead of salary. I'm ok with the pay part (since my pay won't change, I just have to clock in), but my manager quit, so now there is no manager in my department. But, there is a new girl, from the store, who is friends with one of our gm's hubbys. If she gets the manager position, I'm seriously going to freak out. I've been with this company for almost 10 years. I'm damn good at my job. I deserve the management position. So, I'm trying to go day by day and not get ahead of mysel. But seriously...I'll be pissed.
So, once we get the baby, I'm done with this job. I'll find a new one. Because I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter by upper management.
The manager of the retail department that I'm customer service for told me he's so glad I'm back. That work has been hell since I've been gone. All the retail sales reps have given me hugs, and told me the place fell apart without me there. The all told me that I'm the best customer service rep they've ever had.
Upper management acts like it's only good I'm back because they are short handed. Not because I do a good job. So, it's nice to feel needed by your coworkers, but for upper management to treat me like that is just too much. I'm over it.
Pray we get our baby soon. Not just because I can't wait to be a mom. But because I need out of this job. It's been a rollercoaster ride for years, and I'm ready to get off...

Finally

2008-09-16T10:01:00.001-07:00

I finally heard back from the nurse. Although the note says nothing about the weight restrictions I asked them to include. Jerks. I'm so irritated with this office, and I am very glad she is not my regular gyno. I asked for her to call me too, because I had a question for her. She never did. I'll call my regular doctor. I'm sure I'll get the answers I need from her! Jeez.
So, back to work at 7am tomorrow. 7-noon the rest of the week. Back to full time on Monday. I'll be glad to be back. Although I do like being able to visit people during the day. And see my hubby all but one day of the week. I've had lunch with him 6 out of 7 days for the last 6 weeks. I'm REALLY going to miss that. I'm going to miss him. I've been really spoiled. That is the only thing I'm sad about. Oh well. Back to real life.

2 Days

2008-09-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

That's all I've got left...2 days. I (hopefully) go back to work on Wednesday. Hopefully because the dang doctor still hasn't called me back for my return to work release. She was off last week, but was supposed to be back on Friday. I'll call her in a couple hours. I'm really irked.
I was so bored....so damn bored...but now, that I am heading back to work, I'm bummed. Not because I don't want to go back to work, but because I had so much I wanted to do while I was off. I wanted to scrapbook. I wanted to visit friends and their babies, I wanted to visit my mom more for lunch. Now, I'm outta time. Go figure.
I am afraid I'll abandon my blog again. I'm afraid I won't have enough time, so I won't be able to post much. I'll try. I really want to try. I've enjoyed wriging so much over he last couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to continue it.

********UPDATE************
Still haven't heard from the doctor. I called at 10am. It's now 5:30pm. Grrr. Will have to call AGAIN tomorrow...

Where were you?

2008-09-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago today, my mom woke me up and told me to turn on the TV. My grandmother had passed away a few days before, and I was off work and school to attend her funeral. I was irritated because I had an hour left of sleep before I had to get up. Then, she told me a plane hit the World Trade Center. I thought she was crazy. It had to have been a horrible accident. Shortly after I turned on the TV, the second plane hit. I just cried. It was not an accident. I will never forget the horror I felt in that moment. The saddness. The worry for the people in the towers. The pain of the people who knew someone in the towers. The anger against the people who did it. Our world was forever changed. I think we all walked in a numb daze for weeks after that. Not understanding.
Less than 3 weeks before Eric and I started dating. After that moment, I never wanted to be away from him. It changed my outlook on life. I knew what I wanted, and now understood how delicate life is. My safe feeling was forever shattered. We were engaged just 2 short months later, and married a year after that. If 9/11 never happened, would things have happened that fast? Maybe, who knows. All I know was I didn't want to wait. And I wouldn't change anything.
I used to love to fly. Now, I notice everyone around me. Certain sounds scare me. It's not the same, and probably never will be. I still love to fly, but it just isn't the same.
Today, I have avoided watching the news. I guess today, even 7 years later, I want to avoid and deny the pain I feel. I can't imagine what the families must feel today. It is very, very sad.
I will never forget. I will always remember. I will some day tell my children about that day. Hopefully, the world will be a better safer place by then. All I know is, I will always remember what it was like before, and never forget what all those people went through on that day 7 years ago. And I will always be proud to be an American. IN GOD WE TRUST.

In/Un/Not Fertile.

2008-09-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

Within the last year 2 of my in real life friends have confided in me their fertility issues. And I am so glad they had someone to confide in thats been there. BUT...

IT PISSES ME OFF. Seriously. Infertility pisses me off. It bull shit. It's crap. It should NEVER happen. I care about these two women very much. They shouldn't have to deal with it! When they told me...I cried. Not in front of them, but at home and for them. I wept. Shoulder shaking gasping for air sobbed for their pain.
I know what they are going through. Months of treatments. Meds that give hot flashes, cramping, moodiness. And months of complete total nearly unsurvivable heartache. If I could take it away from them and give them the babies they so desire, I would. In a heartbeat.

I remember reading in a book once, one of the many books I've read on dealing with infertility, and it states that everyone will beat it. Everyone will win. In one way or another. Whether it is by getting pregnant, adoption, surrogacy, or living child free, one way or another, you will be infertility.
While we haven't received our child. We are still waiting on the final draft of our homestudy to be on the waiting list. I feel like we are close. I feel like we've almost beat it. It's a good feeling.

I CAN'T wait for my friends to beat it. They read this blog, I don't know how often, but I know they read it. I want them to know I love them, and I'm pulling for them.

YOU WILL BEAT IT!

Doing well

2008-09-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

I'm doing well, healing well. I'm going back to work 3 days earlier than originally planned. It's funny, as much as I have a love/hate relationship with work, I miss it. They even called yesterday to let me know they miss me and can't wait to have me back. Aww.
Monday was my first big day out since the surgery. My mom, Ruby and I went shopping. I hit the motherload! We first went to Gots/chalks. We found this dress I LOVED...but the tag said $134! Ok, some of you might be thinking "So". But, I just can't shop like that. I'm a bargain shopper, and just can't spend that much on clothes/shoes. So, my mom insisted I get it, because it said 60% off. It ended up being $37.99!!! I scored! I ended up with shorts, capris, a shirt, and 2 dresses for $125! Less than regular price of one dress! I got a bunch of other stuff because we are going on a cruise next month.. They are getting in all their fall/winter clothes so I had to get the summer clothes while I can!
We also finished the mural and painting of the babies room. We finished this over a month ago, but I just remembered to blog about it! Now we are shopping for furniture. We have limited space, so we are trying to find something that will fit nice in the room. We need a dresser/changing table combo, a crib, and a glider/rocker. We've found one we really like, but we need to look at a local store before we order it. We'll see. The picture above is the mural. I hope you all like it!!! I do! I can't wait to have the rest of the room in order. I don't want to spend the few days we have after a referral running around putting stuff together, so that will be one less thing to worry about. I'll try to remember to post a picture after we have the room all set up!
Other than that, nothing going on. Not much exciting to blog about when you sit on your butt watching TV and trying to heal!!!

Tagged

2008-08-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been tagged by Laurie , one of my besties!

7 Odd things you may not know about me:

1) When I eat, I alternate bites on different sides of my mouth. It may be odd, but I like to give my teeth equal workouts!

2) I'm anal (and I mean anal) about my socks. I've mentioned this on here before, but if they aren't perfect, they dive me crazy. I've given by toes blisters trying to fix them after my shoes are already on.

3) I've never seen the Star Wars movies. I've seen episode 1, and that's it. Never the original 3.

4) I'm not really into video games. I like Super Mario type games. I can't get into the new stuff

5) I'm obsessed with football. I used to watch the draft, but was too busy this year. I LOVE football. I did before I met my hubby. I was just one of those girls that loved football.

6) I cannot eat the same thing every day. My hubby can eat the same thing every day, I have to have variety.

7) I'm the worlds worst procrastinator, but I'm also an overplanner. I want everything planned, I want to know what's going to happen at all times....but then I put the work off until the last minute. It's horrible!

I'm tagging Katie, Amanda, Heidi, and Holly. Four of my sorority sisters.
Also, Ruby, my other bestie!

Sometimes

2008-08-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, still, when I find out someone is pregnant, and got pregnant so easily, it stings a bit. Sometimes a lot. It's not when someone who I am close to and love dearly gets pregnant. It's usually when it's a distant friend, someone I'm not close to, or a stranger. Or, when I'm at the doctor and the waiting room is full of very, very pregnant women. It's just a little ting of hurt. A little stab in the heart. Sometimes I just want to scream.

Will this ever go away? Will I ever stop feeling this way? Will getting my baby, and becoming a mom end this?
I really hope so.

So Sad

2008-08-21T15:39:00.001-07:00

Please read this, and join the boycott:

http://www.thechaistory.blogspot.com/

Follow-Up

2008-08-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

I had my follow-up appointment today. I'm feeling great. I go the answers I needed, and am feeling at peace with everything that happened. The dr told me that the risk of this happening again is very very small, so I feel much much better.

On another note...I'm coming out. So, Ruby and Laurie, my BFFs...welcome to my blog.

Randomness

2008-08-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm finally starting to feel better. Thank God. I'm also starting to get over the why me feeling. Again, Thank God. I'm also very proud of the fact that I'm no longer on the heavy duty pain meds, and am only taking 600 mg of ibu.prohpin every 4 hours. Except last night. I took more than that last night to help me sleep. But, I am healing well. Going to the dr on Thursday for a followup appointment.

Well, I've been doing some serious debating. I'm thinking about "coming out" to my IRL friends. There are a few of you out there that know me in real life. But, this blog has always been anonomyous, and coming out to the whole real life world is a little scary. One of my best buddies has been asking me to start a blog, and I can't keep avoiding her forever.
It's not that I really have anything to hide, or that I've written anything bad about anyone, it's just that no one has ever known about this blog. I guess the more I write this, the more I see it's kind of silly to keep it a secret. So, I guess I'll be sharing this blog sooner or later.

I also realized that I neglected to let you all know that we are done with our appointments for the adoption. We are just waiting for our SW to finish typing up our home study, then we'll be on the waiting list. YAY!

You have GOT to be kidding me.

2008-08-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

This week has sucked total A$$. Let me tell you. On July 31st, I started having what I thought were really bad gas pains on my right side. Took some gas x, felt better, went about my day. Same thing on Friday. Saturday we went to Knotts and Disneyland, and by Saturday PM I was starting to feel worse. Sunday was really bad, so after church, we hiked our butts to the ER. After 14 hours, two tumors were found in my abdomen, looking like cysts attached to my ovaries. I was in serious pain, and on some serious pain meds. Stronger than morphine because, well, that just wasn't working. They admitted me to the hospital for pain management. They tumors were grapefruit sized on my right side, orange sized on my left side. Because they were cystic, they doctors weren't considering me urgent except to 1) 100% rule out cancer (see me freaking out here) and 2) to fix the pain
Tuesday they take me in for surgery. I have a verticle inscision from the belly button to my scar from my ectopic. The surgery found that the cycstic tumors were attached to the stub of my right fallopian tube, and my left fallopian tube. The doctors were able to remove both tubes, and save both ovaries. They originally thought they were going to have to remove both ovaries, which would have left the 29 year old me menopausal. So thankfully the tumors were on my tubes and saved my ovaries.
Wednesday, I spiked a fever of nearly 104. Thing went really ugly from there. The nurses were all jerks, putting me in a wheel chair from test to test. Hello?! I just had surgery and I am in excruciating pain, and you put me in a wheel chair! It was horrible. Thankfully I don't remember it all. I'm still having serious issues dealing emotionally with the pain of it.
Thursday was still pretty bad. Fever had subsided, but I was NOT trusting the nurses at all. They had to put the cathedar back in. That sucks. I highly DO NOT recommend having a cathedar inserted while awake!
Friday was a little better, but nurses were much nicer, and I was starting to be aware of things. They started weining me off the IV and I was able to eat more, even though I had no appetite and the food was, well, ick.Saturday, I got home at 5:30pm. A full week in the hospital.I'm healing, slowly but surely. Emotionally is another story. I am having a hard time dealing with the way my body is behaving. I'm also having a hard time accepting that this is a one time event, there is no reason to think that this will happen again. I know a lot of my fears stem from what happened on Wednesday night. The horrible nurses didn't leave me feeling much confidence in my health or in the medical field. I'm also having a really hard time with the "Why me". This isn't the kind of person I am, really, but I'm starting to see those feeling creep in, and it irritates me. I'm usually ok with everything. I know God is in control, I know that everything is in his plan, and I need to have faith in that. BUT, the why mes keep creeping into my mind. So many people have everything they have ever wanted in life...and my life has just been hell over the last few years.
So, emotionally, I'm still struggling quite a bit. Hopefully time will bring peace with these feelings, because I really hate them.
Oh yeah, and it was not cancer. I should find more peace in that than I do. I should be thankful. But right now, I'm just really angry with my body...

So many things, so little time to blog about it...

2008-06-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much has happened in the last month. We finished our second meeting (YAY!). A meeting that normally lasts an hour for most people only lasted 15 minutes for me. She said I had a very perfect and normal childhood (who knew?) and had nothing to pick on me for. She also said that I answered all the homework questions very completely, so it left nothing for her to ask me. Yay me! She still loves us, and can't wait for us to be finished. Hopefully that means she finds us a placement sooner, but we'll see. Our final appointment is July 9...18 days! I can't believe we are almost done and on the waiting list. So exciting.

So, I have had something to blog about for over a month now, but haven't. Part of it is because I know that many of you out there, especially the infertiles, will gasp at what I have done. The other part is because myself, as an infertile, partially feels like I may have jumped the gun and jinxed us. I have been seriously against bringing ANYTHING baby into my house...until now. After meeting with our social worker, I know we are finally on the path to being parents. So....................................

I had a baby shower...
Yes, a real baby shower, with cakes, and gifts. It was fun, and amazing, and completely surreal. It was WONDERFUL. We and the baby were so spoiled. But, I've been horrible. It's been a month and I haven't written my thank you's! There are next to me on the couch now, and they will be done tonight. But, after the shower we have been non stop! I haven't had one night at home, or one weekend without a million plans since the shower! I feel horrible about it. I hope everyone doesn't hate me now!
So, the reason I had the shower so early is because 1) I know we will get a child in the near future, 2) I'm a over planner and need to know what we'll need to buy once we get our placement, and most importantly 3) With all the unknowns ahead of us, I needed to feel prepared. We now have car seats, strollers, bedding, toys, blankets, bath goodies, diaper bags...all the most important things we will need, with the exception of the furniture. I feel so ready now. And not at all sad about the empty nursery, which was the only thing our social worker was worried about. When I told her I love seeing a room ready for a baby, she said, "See, that is why I love you!" Aww.

We've also finally picked out the bedroom furniture! It's way cute, and I'm way excited about it! We've had a really hard time deciding what we like, and what to get...but today we picked it.

We also couldn't decide on the furniture because we were thinking we might go with two children. But, after a lot of talking and weighing options and finances, we decided that one at a time is probably best. Mainly because of finances. We know that paying for daycare will be a big change for us, but paying for 2 kiddos in daycare is really going to be a shocker. So, we are going to start with one.

So now we are going to work on getting the room ready. We got the cutest mural, so we need to paint that and the rest of the walls. Then, we are going to buy the furniture. And I'll post some pictures.

I'm so full of exciting joy. It's been a really long time since I've felt this happy. This month was the one year anniversary of our loss. It was a lot harder for me than the due date. I had a lot of tears, but I think the thing that brought me through it was knowing that our child will be with us soon. Whether that is 6 months or a year from now, it will happen. And knowing that made the anniversary of the loss no less hard, but easier to get through.

Things are finally looking up...

Seriously?

2008-05-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Our SW had a death in the family...outside the country...
I'm so bummed that our homestudy is being pushed back ANOTHER month. I know these things happen...and I feel bad for our SW and bad for being disappointed. But, I thought we would be done by then...and now we will still have our last meeting. So, 2 more months.
UGH. Please let this be our only set back!!!

We are....

2008-05-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

LICENSED!!!

We got it in the mail.
Once we finish the home study (in about a month) we will just be waiting. I'm beyond words right now I'm so happy.
I never thought this day would come.

So happy...

Almost Done!!!

2008-04-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been too long since I've updated you all! Sorry!!!
Time sure flies when you are busy. And that we have been. We've spent a long time in classes, and doing homework for those classes. And we are DONE!
We had our first Licensing appointment. That is where they come out and check your home to make sure it is good enough for the baby. The house itself passed, but the garage and back yard didn't. So, we had to move some stuff around and throw some stuff away. She'll be out again on Thursday, then we will officially be LICENSED! Yay!
Also on Thursday, we start our homestudy. This one is a little scary. We've been warned that it is a very intense appointment. They interview us. No biggie. But they dig deep. Really deep. They ask you personal information about your life growing up, your family, your health, your marriage. It's kinda scary, but we have nothing to hide. Also, they are going to dig pretty deeply into the issue of our infertility and the pregnancy loss we experienced. The reason for that is they want to make sure that you are at peace with what has happened, they don't want you adopting to try to replace the child you could have had. Which we aren't. We are adopting to be parents to a child who needs us, not to replace the child we couldn't have. So we are prepared for their questions.
Also, the most exciting part. We are licensed for 2. Yes, we might be crazy, but we are thinking about the possiblity of taking on siblings. This is not something we are decided about, but something we are tossing around. We are sure we are open for twins, it's just the siblings we are trying to decide about....I'll try to update again after our appointments next Thursday! Wish us luck!!!

Time Sure Flys

2008-02-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted. We have been so busy, I just didn't realize...
We are DONE with classes! And all our paperwork has been turned in, except our CPR cards. We are waiting for their arrival in the mail.
Now, we wait for the home study. It's quite nerve wracking...having someone come into our home to tell us if we are good enough to be parents. BUT, it will all be worth it when our adoption is final and we are parents at last. Say a prayer it goes well.

To ME and Steve - my heart goes out to you. My prayers are always with you as you heal and always.

I've come to realize

2008-01-09T09:03:00.000-08:00

Katie inspired me to do this

I've come to realize that, I talk: more about the negative than the positive lately.

I've come to realize that, I love: my life, even if it is really hard right now.

I've come to realize that, I have: a great husband, great friends, and great family.

I've come to realize that I've lost: my fertility, but not my life.

I've come to realize that, I hate how: some people take their fertility for granted.

I’ve come to realize that, Marriage is: one of the things that I can't live without. It's gotten me through the hardest times.

I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking: that they miss me

I've come to realize that, I'll always have: my wonderful husband and family

I've come to realize that, The last time I truly cried: was a couple of days ago, because my baby was due on the 18th.

I've come to realize that, My cell phone: is like a leash, it's always on my hip.

I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning: I really don't want to get up!

I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I: don't say my prayers like I used to.

I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about: all the stuff I need to get done for our adoption.

I've come to realize that, Babies: are a precious gift. And I can't wait until we get ours.

I've come to realize that, I get on myspace: every day, but that is one of the ways I keep in touchith my friends.

I've come to realize, that today: will be great. I get to watch my nephew!

I've come to realize, that tonight I will: enjoy the time with my hubby before he goes back to school

I've come to realize that, college was:The BEST time of my life!

I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will: go to work, once again, and try to enjoy it.

I've come to realize that, I really want: a child...or two

I've come to realize that my last kiss: was from my hubby when he was leaving for work.

Help

2008-01-05T10:15:00.001-08:00

Hey all, I'm doing a walk for March of Dimes in April. If you can/want to, please sponsor me.
The link is:

http://www.marchforbabies.org/jodi111602

Random updates

2007-12-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been a while. A long while, and I know it. I'm a bad blogger. What can I say?
This holiday season was crazy. In between our classes, orientation, and licensing meetings, I just never quite got in the Christmas spirit. I tried. Oh did I try. It just never happened. We never even put up a tree. And now, it's almost New Years. Am I excited? No. Another year down the toilet. And this year was a crappy year. I mean seriously, the worst year yet. Yes, it could have been worse, and thankfully it wasn't, but it still sucked royally.
I'm still struggling with the loss, especially with the holidays. Which didn't help my lack of Christmas spirit. It sucks sitting around the table at Thanksgiving and knowing that had your body not betrayed you, you would be beautifully huge and pregnant, and miserable, and enjoying every minute. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas was full of bad thoughts, and down times. Hell, it's been rough, and thankfully I have had our adoption classes to remind me that we are on the path to parenthood.
Then came Christmas. I would have been 36 weeks. Thats great to realize on Christmas day huh? That you would have been ready to give birth at any time. Then to get to my parents house, and God bless them, they are so excited to be Grandparents soon. So, the baby got gifts. And while they were for the baby we will be adopting sometime in the next year or so, all I could think of was the gifts were for the WRONG baby. They should have been for my baby due in January. It was rough. My mom still doesn't know how tramatic that was for me. I just can't tell her. I will tell her though not to get any more until February at least. Just let me pass that due date. God give me the strength to get that far. I'm so scared of the next month. I'm dreading getting closer, and knowing that my beautiful baby would have been born soon. It sucks. I'm just struggling with this. I don't want that day to come. The due date. I don't know how January 18th can come without pure dispair. I'm so scared. Thankfully I have great family and friends that are here for me no matter what. And girlfriends that are taking me to the spa on the 19th to let me just be pampered. I hope it helps.

On the adoption front. We only have 2 more days of classes to get through. Then the homestudy. We are almost done with our paperwork. The huge stack they make you fill out. It's overwhelming, but we can do it. The best way to describe this process is that it's like being in a maze, and you have to get to the center to get your baby. You start out at the edge, and someone is holding your hand and guiding you thorough, but every once in a while, you lose the grip, and you have to run to catch up. You don't know the way, so you can't let them out of your sight. It's exhausting, and a lot of work, and a lot of twists and turns, but you know the reward at the end is so worth the journey to get there. Hopefully our maze will be short.
We've also decided to be licensed for 2 kiddos. This way, we can take twins, siblings if we are brave enough, or 2 unrelated infants if they let us. This process has been interesting, and there are so many restrictions we don't know if we want to do this twice, so getting two to start will make it so we don't have to do this again. We want more than one child, so hopefully this journey will either get easier, or we get 2 and don't have to do it again. We'll see.

Oh, and I bought black eyed peas to eat on New Years. They are supposed to bring luck for the year to come. We can use all the help we can get.

Update

2007-11-04T12:40:00.001-08:00

We are officially on our way to becoming parents!
Yesterday we had our Taking Care of Business Day. We got our parenting application, adoption application, foster home application, criminal history, live scan (fingerprinting), TB test, and schedule of classes done!
This week we start our classes, which we will finish Feb 2. We have 8 classes!
Next month, we have our licensing training. They go over everything we need to have done to our home to be licensed. Then the will come out and do our home study to make sure our home is safe enough for the baby.
We still have our health form, this odd questionaire (the questions are so bizarre!), and our autobiography to complete. We have 90 days to complete those forms.
Once we have everything complete, we will be "paper pregnant" and all we will have left to do is wait!
Yay for us, I'm so excited!
And, the 16th is our 5 year anniversary. This is a great month!

Update

2007-09-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hey all, I know I've been MIA for a while.
I'm doing much better. Feeling much better. Still healing, both mentally and physically, but I can now walk down the baby isle without hesitation!
We've decided against IVF for now. It wasn't a pregnancy I wanted, it was THAT pregnancy. So, we have decided to adopt. We don't know how, which method, but we are adoption. We are looking at international through Guatemala, or private, or FostAdopt. Mostly, we just know we want a baby. We know we will be parents, now it's just a matter of getting this thing off the ground.
I'm feeling optimistic again. I missed this feeling.
Oh, and we aren't moving. Market sucks, and our contract expired, so we are fixing up this house and making it home...and I'm ok with that. We are near our families, which will be nice when the little one comes.
Oh, and I bought him/her bibs today. OMG....that is breaking my biggest rule. Can you tell how excited/optimistic I am? I bought freaking BIBS!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

2007-07-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Tomorrow

2007-07-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I leave on my trip. The one I talked about here. I'm all packed and ready to go...I can't wait!

LOVED IT!

2007-07-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

I went and saw the new Har.ry Pot.ter movie today. I freaking loved it! They left out some important stuff, like always, but it was SO GOOD! I loved the character development...it's so fun to watch them grow! Loved the movie! Highly recommend to any Har.ry Pot.ter fan!!!

To sum it up

2007-06-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

Update

2007-06-26T16:30:00.001-07:00

Still don't know what we are going to do on the IVF option. My parent's are now paying half, and the ILs are paying the other half. We are truly blessed with a wonderful family.

Jodi Needs

2007-06-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

I saw this game on another site, and decided to play. You put "Yourname Needs" on a search engine site (Like google) and post the top 10 results. Here are mine.
Jodi Needs;
1) deliverance from lust, unforgiveness, and the mental attacks (umm, sure)
2) someone experienced to work with her (yeah, like an RE or social worker?)
3) to excuse herself from the table, and leave through the nearest exit (Amen)
4) a ticket to ride (to rider what??)
5) a therapist much more than she needs a coach (probably. Although I could use both)
6) some fun (you can say that again!)
7) Support (yes, but thankfully I have it)
8) Help again (I think I'm beyond help )
9) a dog (got one. Don't need another one!)
10) to understand that it isn't all or nothing. (very true. this is a hard one for me)

Mine didn't turn out as funny as Larisa's. Still pretty silly though! The funny part was when I typed this into google, 3 other blogs playing the same game came up! Go figure!

Hmmm

2007-06-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well, we have a lot to think about now. I am recouperating...slowly but surely. I can't get around on my own yet, but I will soon. I improve daily.
I received more shocking news. My ILs offered to pay for us to do IVF. I'm shocked. Finding out I was pregnant...well, I wanted it more than I ever realized...but I knew we couldn't afford IVF, so I knew it was my one and only pregnancy. Now, we have to decide if we want to accept their offer. I'm still grieving my baby, so I'm not 100% ready to make this decision yet. It's just so much to think about.
I think I want to do it, but I'm not sure E is convenced. I'll update as we journey through this decision. He is perfectly happy with adopting. I am too, but now that we have this offer I don't think I want to pass it up.
Too many hormones still in my system. As you can tell, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle IVF...I think that is my biggest fear.
I just don't know what we will do...

And it still goes down hill...

2007-06-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

Well, things went from bad to worse on Saturday. All day I had some cramping on my left side, but didn't think anything of it since the ectopic was on the right side. My bf brought over dinner, and we ate at about 6. At about 6:55 I went to the bathroom, and had some heavier spoting. At about 7 my back started really hurting, so I went back to the bathroom. On the walk from the couch to the bathroom the pain started spreading round my back to my hip. I got into the bathroom, and there was a ton of blood and huge clots (sorry TMI). The pain had radiated to my right abdomen...not a good sign. I paged my doctor. I was pale, shakey, sick to my stomach, and in a ton of pain. E called 911. My doctor called back and I told her E called 911. She said she would meet us at the hospital. The ff and paramedics were so nice. They told me I would be fine and got me hooked up to 2 ivs. I got 6cc morphine...I was very giddy off that! I talked a lot! Everyone said I was really funny! So, my dr met us in the ER, and I was then prepped for surgery. It was 7:45 when they wheeled me in for surgery. I woke up in recovery at midnight. They had to do a full incision (similiar to a c-section, but a little wider) to remove my right tube.I was hemmoraging and my tube was nearly burst. I was in a bad situation, it's a really good thing E called 911.
The first day after the surgery I was on a full liquid diet, and I had a morphine drip that I could press the button whenever I had pain. It was very nice, I was very comfortable. Monday, they took the morphine away. My pain was a little harder to manage with just vicodin and motrin, but I was doing ok. Then AF came. Can't I get a break?!
I came home Tuesday, and just rested. I'm now on 6 weeks of disability. I can't drive for 2 weeks, and E took 1 week of vacation to stay home with me.
I will never get pregnant again. My right tube was the only viable tube, and now it is gone. I'm ok though. I will adopt a baby that needs us way more than we needed this baby. I will miss experiencing being pregnant, but even if I had kept the tube, the chances of the same thing happening on my next pregnancy was 60%. I feel relief that I will never have to experience this kind of pain again. I am happy I got to experience what morning sickness, breast tenderness, and pg tiredness is like. I had all that. I'm ok with not having that again. Now, I just want to be a mom.

Shocking

2007-06-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the dr on Wednesday. We discussed the spotting, and she decided to run some testing. One of which was a pregnancy test. It was positive. Can you say shocked? I called my hubby...he was shocked. I couldn't believe it...I mean literally. I had to go to the store and buy a test of my own. Sure enough, it was positive. She ran some blood work, and put my on progesterone to try to stop the spotting. We tell our parents and my best friend. Everyone is so excited they start crying. I'm crying. It's amazing. I proved the doctors wrong. I am pregnant.
Then Thursday comes around. My doctor calls about my bloodwork. My numbers are crazy. My hsg is 13,568. My progesterone, however, is 4.4. It should be at least 11. Bad news. She decides to do an ultrasound. I get to the doctors office at 4. The baby is no where to be found. She looks and looks, finally, there it is! I see the heart beat, the little body and head. Beautiful, I cry. Then, she says she can't tell where it is. It's either ectopic or it's really low by my cervix. She calls radiology at the local hospital and orders an immediate u/s. At 7:30 they tell me my beautiful baby, with the beautiful heartbeat, is ectopic.
I'm then rushed to the er. Luckily my wonderful doctor meets me there. The hubby calls our families, and my parents come out to get my car (he met me there from his work). My parents are crying. We are all so devistated.
My heart is broken. Nearly 3 years and all hope lost and I end up pregnant. Only to lose the baby.
They gave me a shot of Methotrex.ate. I'm on disability for 2 weeks. Because it's a chemotherapy drug, my white blood cells are very low and I have a chance of getting a very bad infection. Also, because the baby is still alive and growing, I have to remain on bed rest until it dies and my body can start getting rid of it. Otherwise my tube could still burst and cause me to have to have surgery.
I'm so devistated. My heart was so filled with joy and love for this baby, especially after seeing the heartbeat. Now I just have to wait for it to die. This is so not fair.

I am...

2007-06-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

A bad blogger, I know that. I don't update enough. I don't have anything to update though! No news. House is still on the market so we can't progress with the adoption process. No sold house, no move.
On the positive side, we have another showing today. We are the most shown house that our realtor has listed...so why hasn't it freaking sold!?! I try to tell myself to be patient, with this market it just takes longer...but I'm not a patient person, so it's very hard!
On another note, I have managed to really piss off AF. She came on May 13, left on the 18th, then returned on the 23rd in the form of heavy spotting with occasional blood. Couldn't she just leave me alone? I'm STILL SPOTTING. Not cool. I have to go to the dr on Wednesday to see what kind of crap my body is doing to me this time. Frustrating. Can't my body just cooperate? I mean, it can't give me a baby, so can't it just do everything else right? Wouldn't that be the nice thing to do? grrr.
I'm so excited. I'm going Here next month. I won the trip on Wheel 0f F0rtune in December, and the show aired in March. I also won $10000 cash, it was so freaking awesome! I didn't post about it on here because I didn't want some freak to find my blog and watch me on tv...sorry to those who would have liked to watch it, it just wasn't worth the risk to me. I hope you all understand!
Also, I'm a freaking Greys Ana.tomy adict. I can't stop watching it! I started watching it this year, and had to borrow my friends copy of seasons 1 and 2 so I would be completely caught up. Now its off for the summer and I'm going through withdrawls. Come back already! :)
Well, I better get back to cleaning. I need a spotless house for the showing today. I'd say I'll try to post more, but I'm not really good at keeping that promise. I'll do my best...hopefully I'll have time to post on Thursday to update from my doctors appointment.
Oh yeah, Hell's Kitchen starts on Monday! I love that show! WooHoo!

Well

2007-04-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

She showed, yesterday. The day after I tested. As if to say, "How dare you second guess me, I'll come when it's convenient for me".

Hope

2007-04-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

I hate her. I really do. Hope is a bitch. Let me explain.
Six weeks ago AF made her last visit. My longest cycle ever is 5 weeks...so, I am now officially one week longer than my longest cycle. 3 days short of 2 weeks past my usual cycle length.
At this point, the bitch has made her entrance. Could I be "that" infertile girl that beat the odds? Could the doctors have been wrong? Could I possibly be pregnant? All this is now going through my head. Has been for about 5 days.
Her voice gets louder and louder..."OF COURSE YOU COULD BE THAT GIRL. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE THIS LATE IF YOU WEREN'T PREGNANT".
So, I'm getting excited, and nervous. Do I test, or just continue to wait? So, of course, I test...
BFN.
Am I shocked, of course not. Am I disappointed? Of course. Can't I just get a break? Can't my body at least do this right so that bitch Hope would just stay away? Ugh...

Loser

2007-04-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's me. Big fat loser.
Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't felt much like posting, to be honest.
The wedding came and went, it was beautiful, without a single hitch. And SIL was very grateful for everything I did, and told me many times. I was so wonderful. I was very happy.
We have also made a huge decision! We are moving to Colorado! It's a big change from sunny CA, but I can't wait! I'm ready to get away from this state! The people are rude (not everyone, so don't be offended, but a majority). I hate heat, so the weather sucks. Life is so fast paced, and I'm looking for a more laid back way of life. I can't wait. The house has been on the market 3 weeks, and we have a lady meeting with the loan officer tomorrow, then she will make an offer. That is really fast for the kind of market we are having right now. Keep your fingers crossed for us.
On the adoption front, we are going to wait until we get to CO to do anything. We can't get home approval until we have a home, so it will have to wait. We do have the names of 2 companies that do fost-adopt for very low cost ($250-$1000). We can afford that! So, since we are moving in late June/July we will start the process as soon as we get out there!

Hoping everything is going well for all of you in blog land!

Tagged

2007-01-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged! Sandra at Waiting gave me my first tag! I'm supposed to write 6 things that are weird about me. So here it goes.
1) Like Sandra I'm a freak about my socks. They can't bunch around my toes. They can't be too tight or too loose. They can't stick to my feet. I can't feel the seem or I freak out. Socks are a big issue for me when I get ready in the morning!
2) I'm addicted to new cars. I've had 4 new cars in the last 6 years. I'm crazy. I finally have a car that I've had over a year and am not thinking of getting rid of!
3) I'm very shy. I get very nervous before any family gatherings, work parties, etc. It's weird because I was in a sorority in college, and was a social butterfly. When I was on Wheel of F0rtune, I panicked when I was thinking about talking about myself. Not a pretty thought...I did fine though, but it totally scared me!
4) I'm obsessed with recipes. I have about 20 cookbooks, a box of recipe cards, a magazine subscription, and a subscription to an online recipe trading page...and I only cook home made food about once a week!
5) I'm obsessed with moving. All I can think about it all the time, I worry about it all the time, I talk about it all the time. I want to move not only out of my house but out of the state. I've been talking about it for almost 4 years, and it has become a staple in my life. And, surprise, we're once again thinking about moving. I wonder if it will ever happen...
6) I'm an organized slob. My cupboards are totally messy, but I know where everything is. Certain things go on certain shelves, even if they aren't organized and neat. Everything in my kitchen has a specific place to go, and no one would know it but me!

I tag:
Ann at Taiwan Treasure
Larisa at Waiting Womb
Lissa at In Due Time
Amanda at Our Adventures
Kristi at Ramblings of Kristina Marie

Sorry

2007-01-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry! I've been so busy it isn't even funny!
So, a few updates.
1) Preggo teen faked the pregnancy then faked the miscarriage. She's unbelievable. She turns out the be a pathological lier. She lies all the time, it's very crazy. So bad I almost feel bad for her...almost.
2) The bridal showers are all planned and ready to go, thank god. I just have to make the scrapbook I'm giving her and I'll be all ready to go!
3) I'm applying for a new job. I have a friend whose job will have 3 openings soon, and as soon as they post the job, I'm applying. I'm tired of being treated like crap at work, so wish me luck, I'm going to need it.
4) No news on the adoption front. We are working on the application but want to make sure we have everything done correct before we turn it in. E and I are very excited to start on this new journey, but we don't want to rush the application and do anything wrong, so we are taking our time to do it right the first time.

On a personal front, I'm wishing everyone a very happy new years! I agree with Larisa when she said 2006 sucked...it did! I'm so happy that I have all the answers I need so I can move on to 2007 with a fresh plan and a fresh outlook. This year, I hope to be approved for adoption and on the waiting list, I hope to take a trip before we have our child, I hope to have a new job, and I hope that this year will bring more happiness than tears. I'm not making any resolutions, because I hardly ever keep them then I feel like a loser. This year I'm only making hopes.

Setback

2006-11-29T05:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I thought I was doing ok. I've had married friends tell me they are pg and I'm fine, I'm genuinely happy for them. Then, yesterday, one of my employees who is 18 and in high school, tells me she is pg. My first thought was what the hell? This isn't fair. She is totally excited, but I don't know if she has fully realized what she has coming to her. I broke down crying last night, and E comforted me.
I didn't expect this, especially when I've been ok when everyone else got pg. But this girl, it threw me for a loop. I've taken it hard. So, I had therapy last night...SHOE SHOPPING. :) It's funny, but I do feel better now. I'm just scared of seeing her again today. I'm scared of watching her tummy grow with life, while mine never will. God, grant me the strength to get through this.

Decision

2006-11-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

I'm almost 100% decided what we are going to do. We are going to adopt. Since I've made that decision, I've felt more at peace than I have felt in months...as far as the baby stuff goes.
Then, I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks (yes, again). SIL moved her wedding up from June 16 to Feb 17!!! I'm the maid of honor, so I now have only 2 months to plan a bridal shower, plan a bachellorette party, get a bridesmaids dress, get SIL to register, and plan a baby shower (for another friend who is due the first of April). Holy crap. How the hell am I supposed to do all this, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas?
The reason she moved the wedding up is because my ILs are moving from CA to PA.
I don't know when I'll be able to get together with her to plan the shower, so I'm going to call her today and see if she will send me the guest list, and set a date. If she can do that, I can pick out the invites and send them out in time. We can hash out the theme and all those details later. Pray fr me. I just might go crazy before all this is done!

Wishy Washy

2006-11-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

Thats me. Why? Because I can't decide anymore what to do.
Part of me really wants a biological child. Really wants to experience pregnancy. Really wants to see my husband when I look in my child's face.
Then there's the other part of me. The part that says $13,000 isn't chump change, and we don't have that kinda money available without a loan. The part that asks what kind of life will we be starting with our child when we won't be able to afford anything because we are paying off our IVF. The part that says there are many babies already out there, or getting ready to make their appearance, that are not loved, and have a very rough life. I know that I could give these children a great life in a very loving home. By the way, adoption is free through the county out here, so there would be no cost...no debt. In fact, they pay you $400+ a month when you adopt through the county out here.
Part of me knows that adoption is the best choice. Part of me knows that it would be irresponsible for us to pay $13,000 when there is no guarantee. Granted, if we had insurance to cover it, it would be a no brainer...but we dont.
So, how do I make the choice. How do I decide not to do IVF? How do I let go of my dreams of having a child with my husband? How do I get over never having a piece of him running around? I don't know. I don't know how to make this decision.
My heart is so torn right now. Any advice would be appreciated...

Ugh...

2006-10-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday sucked. We went to the funeral for a girl I grew up with. She died on the 10th of Leukemia. It sucks. She was just one of those people who always greeted you with a smile, and asked you how you are doing and really meant it. The service was really nice, and I was doing ok until the end. Her husband walked up to the casket, kissed his hand, touched her picture, and fell apart. The whole room fell apart after that. It was so sad.
I am happy she is in a better place and not suffering, but I am so very sad for her family. It is so hard to lose someone so young, she was only 27...Prayers for her family would be greatly appreciated. Her name is Stephanie.

Kick in the Face

2006-10-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

That's what I would describe it when your fertility doctors office calls and says, "We no longer accept your insurance"!!! What the hell!?!?! Just when things were looking good, WHAM, a nice swift kick in the face.
apparently my insurance is no longer contracted in the state of California, so this doctors office will no longer accept it. They said they tried to call the insurance to work it out, but couldn't get ahold of the insurance company.
E contacted his HR department to find out what was going on, they said we need to call the "Care Coordinator" to work something out.
I have been an emotional wreck today. I'm sad, nervous, angry, hurt, scared, and I also feel lost. I don't know where to go next. Right now, I'm putting off calling the insurance company for a couple of days, seeing as I'm a complete emotional wreck.
My mom has a friend from her work that just get a BFP from IVF #1. She's going to get her doctor's name for me so that I can call them and see if they take our insurance. If they do, I'll just go there, then call our insurance to straighten everything out. Maybe it's a good idea to get a second opinion.
I just feel like things were finally taking off. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I can't see that light...I've just barely entered the tunnel.

News?

2006-10-11T05:56:00.000-07:00

No news...I have my followup appointment with the RE on Nov 2. This is the appointment to discuss and schedule my surgery. I'm having a little bit of sadness about the surgery. If I have it, then I will never have my surprise "miracle" baby, but if I don't have it, I may never get my BFP from IVF, which is still a miracle. I know I will go through with it, it is our best chances of conceiving. It's just a little hard letting go, knowing that I will never get pg on my own. You would think I would be used to that by now...

Not Much...

2006-09-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

Not much new going on. I told my mom finally about everything. The fact that we have been trying for 2 years, and that we are doing IVF in February. She is SO excited, which makes me very happy. I am very glad that I have her to turn to now. One cool thing is that her friend at work just got pg from IVF. So, my mom is going to ask her who her dr was and stuff. I'm just curious. I don't want to change drs, and there aren't many options out here, so I'm wondering if she didn't go to the same dr, or a different dr in the same clinic.
We leave on Friday for our girls trip to Laughlin. There is about 25 women that go, including my mom, grandma, cousin, and best friend. It is so fun, and I just can't wait to go! I need a vacation!
On the work front, work is ok. I'm not loving my job anymore...in fact, it pretty much stinks most of the time. But, the working conditions aren't bad, and my boss is nice. I just don't like what I am doing anymore. But when I am preparing for surgery and IVF, it isn't the best time for a career change. We decided that while I am on maternity leave I will look for a new job. By then we will have an idea of how much I will need to make so we can cover everything. I am hoping I can find a job closer to home so I don't have to drive in traffic everyday. We'll just have to wait and see!

Updates?

2006-09-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

I know I have been a really bad blogger. I haven't posted in 2 weeks. Mainly because things have been pretty sucky around here.
Hopefully we will be moving onto our original plan of surgery first of January, then off to IVF. We still need to figure out how we are going to finance it. Hopefuly we will have that all figured out by November....hopefully.
I'm doing pretty good at remaining optimistic. I really do believe this will work. My only problem is I, for some reason I don't understand, am really hoping for twins. Probably because I'm pretty sure we won't be able to go through this again. I will be happy with one though. One baby of our own, one baby that I can look at and see my husband and myself, will make all of the pain, surgeries, and cost worth it.

Dreams

2006-09-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream. It was a very short dream. First I was in my REs office, and he was getting ready to do an ultra sound. Then he said "There's your twins". After that we were telling our parents. It was so awesome. I know twins aren't easy, but you know what Cinderella says, "A dream is a wish your heart makes"...

And the optimism continues...

2006-08-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

RE Appointment went well. I REALLY like him and his staff. They are all so very nice and positive!
I had a t/v u/s to start, and he told me my eggs look wonderful. I actually have one ready to be released, and it was perfect!
Too bad it will never reach my uterus. And I mean that very seriously. He looked at my HSG and surgery results. Both tubes are very infected, and the one that isn't blocked is abnormal. I need to have both removed, or I will never get pregnant. I realize something I always knew deep down...that I wll never get pregnant without help. He told me that the infected tubes have bad fluid in them that spills into the uterus and makes it a bad environment for embryos. Plus, he said the tubes are one of the main factors that causes my horrible cramping and the pain I have throughout the month, so almost all of that will go away.
So, in January I'm having another laparascopy to have both fallopian tubes removed. 6 weeks later we will move onto IVF.
Oh, and the dr said with the looks of my uterus, eggs, and ovaries, and with dh's beautiful sperm, we have a seventy yes, I said 70 percent chance of the IVF working the first time!!!!! Can you believe those odds? I don't think they can get much better than that!!!

So, a great doctor, and great results. GREAT day...

Again?

2006-08-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

Well, Friday I went out to lunch to relax and start reading my new book. I was reading and eating, when I got to my fortune cookie. It said "You will obtain your goal if you maintain your goal". I got tears in my eyes, goosebumps, and the most amazing feeling ever. I truly believe that was a sign and everything is going to be ok.
On my way home friday, I found out that one of my oldest and greatest friends is 9 weeks pg with #1...and I couldn't be happier for her. This is the first time since all this infertility crap that I have felt geniuenly happy for someone. I am just thrilled. She is going to be a wonderful mommy, and I am just so happy for her and her hubby!
First RE appointment is tomorrow. I'll hope to post an update tomorrow or Wednesday...

Signs?

2006-08-25T04:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so yesterday was full of events that seemed like signs to me. I can't help it...these were just crazy...
1) A girl at worked said she had this "feeling" that I would be pg within the next 3 months. Ok, not really a sign, but good to hear :)
2) At lunch I was reading Redbook. This month there was a exerpt from a book about a girl that doesn't want kids, but ends up pg and is happy about it. Meanwhile her sister is struggling with infertility and isn't exactly happy. What kind of sign is this? I don't know, but I just find it odd that the day after I amke an RE appointment I find this in a magazine. Is my SIL going to get pg before me? Or does it mean that I just need to be happy for people, no matter the pain I feel?
3) I went to Barnes and Noble to get the book "When Nature's Not Enough". I find the book, and head to the cashier. When I get up there, with my book on not getting pregnant, there is a display with no less thank 15 books on being pg. A pregnancy journal, happiest baby on the block, baby names book, what to expect, your pg week by week...if you've heard of a pg book, it was there. And there were even more behind the counter! I felt like it was a sign. "You're buying this infertility sign now, but be patient, this is what you'll be buying next".

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm just looking for hope. Either way, I'm feeling pretty positive about my RE appointment on Tuesday. I believe these doctors will get me pg.

Jumped the Gun

2006-08-21T04:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I spent a week in my new position at work. It's not nearly as bad as I expected. It's actually quite an important position, and I am enjoying it somewhat. I do not like training new people, but that doesn't happen every day, so I'll deal with it.
Also, it's not exactly the best time to make a career move. First, we just bought new bedroom furniture and new couches. Second, we want to remodel our kitchen. And third, we are starting this whole IVF process soon. I can't really start a new job and be the low man when I'll be needing time off to go to the drs and stuff.
So, I decided to stay. The plan is to stay until we have a baby (hopefully sooner rather than later), then find a new job while I am on maternity leave.
Today is my follow-up appointment from my surgery, and I'll get my referral to the RE at that time. She said there is a couple of months wait until there are appointments available. Thats fine. With SIL getting married next June, it's better to start this process in a few months. I'm the maid of honor, and I don't want to be 9 months pg at the wedding! I am hoping that I can get into the RE by November. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I hate my job!

2006-08-14T04:55:00.000-07:00

So, here I sit, getting ready for work, crying. Have I forgot to mention how much I hate my job. Yep,that much. I hate it so much, I wish I could just quit. And why does it have to be so hard to find a new one? I sent out my resume to 4 different companies yesterday. The one I really want is literally 2 miles from my house...I could walk to work if I needed to. The problem is it probably won't pay enough, so that really depresses me. This is my dream job. Teaching preschool. I guess I am just hoping that I get offered the job and we can find a way to make it work...

Jesus wasn't conceived naturally.

2006-08-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday E and I were talking on our way home from shopping. He was telling me how he was talking to his grandma the day before, and told her about my surgery and what the diagnosis is. His grandma is very religious, and it made me nervous when I found out he told her we would be doing IVF. He told her it is hard because we have been struggling because we didn't know if it was biblical because it isn't natural conception. Her response? "Jesus wasn't conceived naturally, so I'm sure he approves". How sweet! I cried and cried when he told me. I now feel 100% ready to move onto IVF. I guess that was just what I needed.

Am I Psychic?

2006-08-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so let me share a little dream I had. I had this dream about 2 years ago, right before we started trying for a baby.
In my dream, we were undergoing infertility treatments...IVF...and I ended up pregnant. The weird thing was, the babies were quads, 2 boys, 2 girls. No, I don't want quads, but the fact was that we were doing IVF.
How did my subconsious know 2 years ago that this was where we would be. E just laughs, he said all my dreams come true...and said to not tell him if I ever have a dream where he dies!
So, was this dream a premonition, a sign, or God telling me to have faith, I will be a mom. I'm going to believe it is the last one.

Oh, how things change

2006-08-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

Something I wasn't expecting to feel just days after the adoption orientation...and unbelievable desire to have my own child, and to experience pregnancy. I never expected to feel that. Neither did E. I think he even feels it more than I do. So, we decided that we will call the re and see if we can do the IUI, which, before yesterday, my doctor thought we would have a great chance at.
Then comes yesterday. I had my surgery (laparoscopy) due to my (mis)diagnosis in highschool of endometriosis. My dr thought she could clear it up and we would be able to get pg on our own or with IUI. So, yesterday I have the surgery, and got unbelievable disappointing news. I do not have endometriosis, what I have is a huge amount of scar tissue from a pelvic infection. When did I have this infection? No clue. I have no idea when this happened. The doctor said it could have been a number of things, I'll probably never know.
The result? My right ovary is fused to the abdominal wall, and could not be removed. My right tube is open and clear...but the chances of an egg making it in there is pretty slim. My left ovary is free, but is covered in scar tissue, and so is my left tube.There is a small opening, but again, chances of an egg making it in there is very slim.
Our best option is IVF. Something I never thought I would do, but is now all I can think about it. How are we going to pay for that though? I just don't know. My heart isn't in adoption, so I just don't know what to do now.
As for my surgery. I have three small incisions that hurt like hell. I'm also very crampy. I'm to remain immoble today and tomorrow, I can start moving around again on Saturday.
I'm just not feeling all that great. Pretty depressed. When I first thought about adoption, I thought I would end up being one of those girls that adopted and ended up pg within a few months. Now I know that's not possible. And my heart is breaking. I'm going to have to learn to accept that I won't just get pregnant. That sucks.
So, I will be making an appointment with a re this week. And see where this journey will take us next. Please pray for us. We need all the prayers we can get right now.

Now the Journey Begins

2006-07-31T04:47:00.000-07:00

Well, we had the orientation meeting for adoption this past Wednesday. It left me feeling excited and nervous. Overall though, it was great. The process goes like this:
1) Fill out and return the preliminary application
2) Do a livescan and get a TB test
3) Have prelim application approved and be assigned to a social worker
4) Home visit where they check for child safety in and around your home.
5) 6 weeks of training
6) Approval for foster care
7) Home study
8) Approval for adoption

So, we have a lengthy process ahead of us. It is sad some of the statistics we found out. Since we are adopting through the county, many of the children are removed from their homes. Only 50% are reunited with their parents. That is so sad, because the county pays for the parents to go through rehab and job training. They pay for the parents to do the right thing and they still don't.
What is also sad is 99% of these children, and newborns, are born with drug addiction. A vast majority of that is methanphetimine. Almost all of the children have little effect from the drug, with the most common being ADHD/ADD.
What is crazy, something we weren't expecting, is that we will receive money from the state for adopting our child. And, our adoption fees are zero. There is no cost at all. We will receive from the state about $425 a year, and that goes up as the child gets older. That is not the reason we are adopting this child, but that is wonderful because it will help pay for childcare.

So, now we are finishing the application to return, and on August 12 we will go get our livescan, TB, and schedule our homestudy and training.

This is going to be a crazy year, I can already tell!

So great

2006-07-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well, we are back from vacation. It was so beautiful, and so wonderful. Total relaxation is a good word to describe it. Fishing, hiking, horseback riding, and hanging out with those you love it what I call a good vacation!

I realized today that we are just 9 days from adoption orientation. Then the process is started! I'm so excited and nervous...I'm ready for it to be the 26th!

Also, I am only 2 weeks from my surgery. I'm a little nervous, but hoping that that will make my lovely periods more bearable. We'll see. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm a worryier, so if I think about it too much, I'll make myself sick!

I'm having some random thoughts/fears about adoption. Mainly I'm worried that my maternal instincts won't kick in and I won't know what to do. I worry that all that happens during pregnancy, and without that, I won't be ready for sleepless nights, knowing what the baby wants, being able to comfort the baby, etc. Am I totally irrational? Does a birth parent worry about all this?

Fun Weekend

2006-07-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

This was a great weekend. Saturday I babysat my nephew all day, and yesterday I spent the day with him and his parents swimming. It was so fun! I am exhausted though. My nephew is 3, and he totally tired me out. I loved it though.
Saturday we leave for vacation. We are going camping for 8 days in the mountains. My parents, brother, E's grandpa, and my previously mentioned nephew and his parent's (my best friend and her hubby) will be there. We will be fishing, hiking, swimming, and going to a local ghost town. I can't wait...a whole week off. I'm not sure what I will do with myself! I'm sure I will figure it out...

Only 4 more days...yippee!

What's worse?

2006-06-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

So, one of the girls from another board I visit miscarried today, and my heart is breaking for her.
I realized that, even though it was harding letting go fo the thought of ever getting pregnant, that is easier then getting pregnant and losing the child you love with all your heart.
I am counting my blessings that I won't ever have to experience such an extreme pain.

On a positive note. I got another shower invitation today. This one is a bridal shower though. It's going to be weird. Its for a girl that is marrying this guy I grew up with that is like my big brother. She is a couple years younger then me, and was always this big dork. She was even in my girl scout troup. It's just weird to see her and T together. Odd. I'm actually a little nervous about going to the shower, but one of my best friends is Ts sister, and my mom will be there. I just don't really know this girl all that well anymore. But, like I said, T is like my big brother. So I'll go.

I also picked out the gift I'm getting for the young pg cousin. I can't go to the shower because we are going out of town, but I really wanted to get her a gift. I'm sending her the bath tub she registered for. I figure, the more pratical the better!

Are you serious?

2006-06-28T05:20:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I go to get the mail...and get a baby shower invitation from E's 20y/o cousin. So, I'm happy for her, but a little sad. I really want to give his grandma her first great grandchild. I'm also worried about his cousin. She is very young, and ran to the alter because she was pg. I hope everything works out for her.
That an my 45y/o cousin being pg just boggles my mind. I can't help but wonder why not me, but I know that God has a plan for us, and I just have to trust that.
On the plus side, we have officially made plans to go to the adoption orientation on July 26th. So, hopefully we will have our child in the next year! I am so excited to learn more about the process. We will be adopting through the county, and the children range from newborn to teenagers. They even have it like through private agency's where the birth mother picks you. Luckily, you don't have to pick an older child already in foster care. We want to do that eventually, but we want to start with a baby. Plus, private adoption can get pretty expensive, and through the county it is nearly free. The babies are usually drug babies, so they do require special attention and love...something I have been storing up for the last 21 months since we started trying for a baby.
Hopefully I am able to maintain my patience through this process.

2006-06-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Why I chose this title?
When life gets you down, don't give up, just keep swimming. I think that is very appropriate for me right now. Just keep swimming...

So, why did I start this blog? 21 months ago we started trying for a baby with no luck. Last fall, we started testing to find out why. Turns out, there are no problems with him, just me. I don't ovulate regularly, and the eggs aren't mature when I do release them. Seems minor, but after 5 months of clomid, no luck.
My doctor wants us to try IUI, but that's just not for me. I'm don't want to do more testing, and go to the dr constantly, just to concieve on a doctors table. It's just not for me. Nothing against anyone who does that...I admire your strength and determination. I don't have the strength to undergo all those doctors visits, and more disappointment.
So, we are moving on. We have decided to adopt. Starting a new journey. This blog is to keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings, and to keep track of what is happening in the adoption process.
Wish us luck!